head shark nebula

you want a little pick-me up, eh? well...here you go..

2011-11-27T15:51:00.004-07:00

once upon a time my sweet family moved into a little old house in orem utah. it was a hard change. together we carried out the ultimate home remodeling project. every time we thought it couldn't get worse, it did. but we lived through it, becoming better and stronger people with a beautiful home to life in. most of the house had been all fixed up but when last winter christmas came and we got busy and some of the projects were left undone. then my dad lost his job and they continued to be left undone. one of those projects is: the nasty bathroom. mauve carpet. hideous drapes surrounding the tub. and let's not forget: the absolutely awful wall paper. every inch of that room is covered in not one, but at least 2 layers, maybe even 3 layers of the worst wall paper. ever. one day my mom said "that's it!" she then got a whole bunch of sharpies, and we all started writing all over the ugly walls. it's been a few months and there are so many things written all the walls. using the toilet is a new adventure. who needs a book to read when you can just stare at the walls for hours! it's a great idea, really. i personally love reading the bits of inspiration, silly inside jokes, pieces of encouragement on a hard day. there have been multiple times i've plopped down on the pot, or lounged in the tub, after a long hard day and something has caught my eye bringing some tears and reminding me that life is going to be okay.

i know i think way too much. i realized that a long time ago. as far back as i can even remember. but lately i've been thinking extra. life sure is hard, but it sure is wonderful. the word: contentment. it's just been flowing in and out of each and every one of my thoughts lately. what does it mean? where do we find it? why is it so rare? it's like gold. really. no one ever has it anymore. last night while i was getting ready for bed i spotted this written just to the side of the mirror, slightly above the toilet: "i will be a bit sad when this wall is gone. But, change is good, so enjoy the present for what it is. :)" i stared at it for a real long time. letting it just soak in. it's crossed my mind. my dad recently got a new and great job. eventually the bathroom will be made new. so will all those ideas and thoughts of what it's all about written by so many people i love so dearly. i've felt sad. i've toyed with the thought "maybe the walls aren't so bad..." then i look at them again. that's the thing though, very very few things in life last. everything gets old, tired, worn out. cars break down. clothes get holes. better opportunities come along. electronics break. pets die. okay that is kind of morbid, but they do. life is such a temporary thing. we do everything in our power to make it last. to cling onto things. i remember duct taping my last phone together. i don't know if that's because i was attached to it or if that's because i'm just stubborn and had no money, but still. one day my red hairs are going to turn gray. or white. or they'll fall out. my eye wrinkles right in the corners from all my years of laughing will multiply and deepen. my favorite boots will be long gone. all of the things that i protect and cherish will be gone. more than that i won't be working at my wonderful job. today i went on a walk with one of my dear friend. first "walk" i've been on since i broke my foot. it was so sunny and warm and there were still leaves for us to crunch. we talked about everything we felt like and just crunched leaves together. one day i won't get that anymore. so if there is one thing i could just scream, to all the world, at the top of my lungs, it would be to live. just live. experience everything there is to experience. feel the way it hurts when you fall rock climbing and break a bunch of the bones in your left foot. feel the way it feels to walk around for the first time in 2 months and get choked up every day when you get in and out of your bed without total exertion. take the time to notice how it feels when you hug someone you love. because someday you're going to take the time to notice how it feels when you can't hug them anymore. feel your fingers and nose go numb when you enjoy christmas time out side. because before you know it you're going to be feeling your sunburn after day one of the beach 2012. take time to notice little things in life. yesterday someone i love very much sent me the sweetest text message saying they had helped multiple people in wheel chairs at work. he told me "cailie i just want so run and jump around and just feel my legs and love them!" something along those lines. we started just thinking about legs. and how great they are. and we started cheering for them. and our arms too. they're pretty useful. take some time to notice the people who smile at you. the beautiful things in nature. isn't it great God loves us so much He didn't just give us life, He gave us an absolutely beautiful place to live it in. Yeah, we deal with a lot of crap. there are lots of sad things happening. life is hard. But it's only so we can appreciate the good. really. and boy, oh boy is there a lot of good.

the one with: angry eyes, drive-thru danger, and fancy japanese pajamas.

2011-10-19T22:55:00.003-06:00

normally when i get fed up with life i run. or rock climb. but seeing as how life has hit a particular low, creating a situation where i can't do either of those things, i am turning to the only other thing i know that will help.

i've come up with all of the excuses and reasons in the world for which i'm not qualified to share my true thoughts and feelings. i've played around a little with this whole writing thing, but never really given it all. there's something about exposing it all that makes it real enough; raw enough to be something worth reading. i don't feel like my life, myself, or my thoughts are anything extraordinary. but in my mind the experience of life itself is something extraordinary. to have a body with so many intricate functions that work so exactly, separately and together, to create "life" is extraordinary. technology, all of our conveniences, everything that works with our minds and bodies and add up to life....that is extraordinary. so why the heck not give it all and share it all? i mean...within some kind of reason. i don't want to be murdered or terminated or anything like that. so, here we go...

i am a secretary. sometimes i like to be fancy and call myself an administrative assistant. makes it sound like more of a "real job." i guess i'm also an office manager as well. found that out yesterday. its all the same thing though. imagine pam from "the office." i've even got the red hair. i like to think i dress better, but i don't have a jim. guess we just can't have it all. so there are these 4 lawyers who share the building with my company. i don't actually work for the lawyers, but i like to think we're buddies, and ultimately i alert them when their clients are waiting. having done this for a few months now, i've decided that all red-necks have a lawyer. and so do all crazy people. and most of the time you get both of those things all in one scary little package. today this couple came in. leaned on the desk that says "DO NOT LEAN ON THIS DESK" and let me know they needed to talk to their lawyer. the problem is i didn't register that for a minute because i was too busy being traumatized by the bra-less woman with a very see through shirt on, the man with missing teeth, not tooth, teeth, and the strange smells coming from both of them. oh man alive. i can understand that when you're dumb and you don't take care of your teeth they fall out. and they also don't grow back. and it's a crying shame but that's life. but, what is with women thinking it's acceptable to run around bra-less? news flash: it's not. no one wants to see your big saggy boobs hanging down to your belly button in a shirt that has been worn so thin you might as well not wear anything. bra's aren't expensive! please. this is a plea to all women, everywhere: WEAR A BRA!!! for the sake of all eye-balls and souls. wear a bra. my family refers to naked boobs as "angry eyeballs." all angry eyeballs should be kept in their safe little homes. i don't care if your homes are polka dotted or nude. i don't care if your homes are so big i could fit my head inside. i don't even care, just put them away. those angry eye-balls made my eyes go extra big and i instantly moved on to the next duty of my day: the "get everyone in the office their lunch" duty.

i will admit i am a lazy individual. i love drive-thrus. wait, back-up. i have a love/hate relationship with drive-thrus. i hate yelling into the speaker. it makes me feel so awkward. especially when other people are in the car, and ESPECIALLY when english is not the first language, or a language at all, for the person on the other end. but i love avoiding the hassle of parking, walking in, collecting food, walking back out, backing out of a parking lot, etc. well today i'm like sweeet!!! drive-thru lunch order. having escaped two extra angry eyeballs i was feeling relieved. i order the sandwiches. wait patiently as they are made. pay for them. the man hands them to me. i look away from the drive-thru window for a split second to set the bags down on the passenger seat. instantly glance back because THE DRIVE-THRU EMPLOYEES ARM HAS GOTTEN STUCK IN THE LITTLE WINDOW. eye-balls almost pop out for the second time in an hour and hysteria begins. i couldn't even help it. first his arm is stuck. with assistance he gets it out. and then he's still screaming and holding it. and i'm in full fledge hysterical laughter in my car. he shoots me an angry look and i drive up just far enough to finish my laughter. have you ever seen such a thing?! it was so funny! i couldn't even stand it.

fortunately when i got back to the office, mrs. angry eyes and her semi-toothless sidekick were gone. unfortunately i didn't have the receipt. and i was too ashamed of my total immaturity in the moment of a drive-thru emergency to go back and get it.

several hours later i arrive home. enjoying some buttermilk waffles and reading and who strolls in the room? quincy. the greatest 7 year old alive. she's wearing these silky pajamas that button up the front, bananas in pajamas style. and as she struts in, she stops right in front of me and with all the pride her 7 year old self can muster up she says "these are my japanese pajamas....they're fancy...oh and by the way...if you want to find your special dessert you have to solve this riddle: i'm in the place where you sleep and i help you wake up in the morning...see ya!" and she strolls away in her "fancy, japanese pajamas."

bet you can't guess where i found a pink sweetart that says "jump for me"

who the crap puts that on a sweetart?! i thought sweetarts have "cutesy" phrases. jump for me?! what is happening to valentine's day! what is happening to this world!

next concern: valentine's day was a long time ago. is this from quincy's "rat stash" or "hobo sack of trash?" yes those are real things in her life. and thus mine.

morals of the story: 1-please wear a bra. or a bro. man boobs terrify me less though so if i have to pick one i pick bras, but both would be nice. 2-drive-thru danger is real. but if your lucky enough you'll experience it from the other side of the window. 3- there's someone in fancy, japanese pajamas out there leaving very old candy with sketchy messages on alarm clocks as a bed-time snack...how could life ever get better than that?

take it or leave it.

2011-08-10T14:38:00.006-06:00

i like Polaroid pictures.

and i like to drink my soda from a can.
i like to drive with my windows down.
mostly because i like it when the wind plays with my hair.
i like messy hair.
i like peter pan.
i like vintage things.
sometimes i have to spit when i run.
sometimes i have to spit a lot when i run.
and i sweat a lot too.
i get morning breath.
and i have body odor.
yet i'm a classically trained pianist.
and i'm well read in classic literature.
i know how to walk in heels.
i can even do it naturally and with good posture.
and i clean up alright.
i know how to use proper english.
in fact i always do.
i have a problem of laughing at all the times that i shouldn't.
so naturally i laugh at all the times i should.
i laugh at immature things.
i like sharing stories that are real.
even the ones that speak of bodily functions.
i feel like they happen and should not be hidden.
i don't think that makes me rude.
i know where to stop.
i cry when i hurt.
i cry when i laugh.
the more i live the more the two are beginning to tie.
i like to call that success.
i can't make decisions.
yet i know what i like.
i have a temper.
i'm the meanest softie there is.
i blame my red hair.
yes i've got a big flamin' ponytail.
i've got the freckles to match.
i always say sorry even if it takes me a minute.
i grew up polite.
i always say please and thank you.
i know how to have table manners.
it's just my clumsiness that gets in the way.
i like fresh vegetables.
i like to read.
i like my job(s).
i like chalky, callused hands.
i don't mind scabs and bruises.
i like proof that i'm alive.
i like it when my cat bites my toes to wake me up.
and i don't mind her hairs.
i don't even mind it when she steals a taste of my ice cream bar.
i like it when things are clean.
but i don't like wasting time.
i like flowers.
i don't mind that they die.
i like the way they make me love them while their here,
because i know they'll be gone.
thus, i like contentment.
i like to sleep.
but i don't like missing out on life.
i like spontaneity.
yet i like consistency.
i like the idea of finding the child of the two.
i day dream of traveling; amongst other things.
i like words.
i like imperfection.
and most of all i like the people who can see past the "im."

think check.

2011-04-24T20:44:00.003-06:00

am i a writer or am i a thinker?

maybe the paper is magic. maybe i've got magic

brains.

"i like your brain."

well i like the days i wake up with a full breath of air.

hesitation, determination, clarification, modification

not much else to it.

sleep sigh sing sigh snip sigh sweep sigh smile sigh sun sigh see sigh

sea side?

oh if only.

sigh sigh sigh.

i think i've got a funny bone floating around in that brain of mine;

the one you like.

nothin but magic brains and magic jaws.

only the jaw wasn't magic. i don't remember what it was

already. to remember is to ______.

is it to hurt? to hope? to feel?

"i woke up this morning a funny taste in my head..."

it tastes so bitter...it tastes so...

sweet. Mmmm...bittersweet;

my closest companion. what shall it be today?

shall it be the same? or will today be different? looks like...

mystery is the flavor. sometimes i like the mystery; the murder-less kind.

but lately i'd prefer something with a little bit of murder that i can close

when i'm through and i open my eyes to real life:

one day it will be different.

do i want you to feel different or do i take comfort in you being just the same....

oh the beauty of silence the beauty of loneliness.

to be lonely is to be free. to be free

from that ventral tegmental beast...

but since when was lonely the good guy?

sure he's consistent. he'll keep you fed with his butter-less bread,

mundane routine dressed up all fancy as successful productivity

stability, reliability, dependability, security, rationality, solidity, safety, invincibility!

"we're only invincible as long as we're alive..."

invincibility is but a myth. so what more do we have

but to live? for what purpose:

fearless, selfless, generous, chivalrous, magnanimous, courageous...

let's meet halfway. give the soul

a break this time. take the steps one at a time.

goodbye slippery, hello calloused

little feet and stubby toes all my own.

peak out and see that crack of sun... feel the nibble then hear the buzz.

into the cage all skeptical uncertainty. it's a zoo

in there i tell you. in those places i don't understand i'll keep loving

the way you say good morning

"and you, take me the way i am."

a little j.wride and the good things in life.

2011-03-01T21:23:00.009-07:00

i live for the good things in life. the feeling of my stomach and heart meeting somewhere in my throat on a roller coaster. the feeling of the sun kissing my nose and cheeks while a spring breeze catches my breath and hair as i read harry potter and sip naked juice in my car on a spring afternoon with the windows rolled down. the sound of the crazy person in the movie theatre who laughs way too loud and sounds way too much like a farm animal. i live for scary hair and morning breath. for that smile that can only be found in an elementary kid's pre-braces mouth when i give them a sucker after their haircut. i live to hear my 8 year old neighbor yell "hey piano teacher!" while they're playing outside when i get home for work. i live to see my cat's big eyes staring at me the minute i yawn, stretch, let my eyes finish watering and greet each new day. really she just wants food, but i let myself think she loves me enough to wish me a good morning. i live to pick at the grass as i sit and catch up with old friends. a wonderfully awful habit. i live for hugs. yes that=90% of the time my nose meets a belly button in the process (yes the other 10% include my relatives who are as short as i am) but being a "navel nose" is not all that bad people. of all these things i live for that moment when sweet, sweet music seeps into my ears, oozes its way through my brain, pours into my little heart and then leaks into every fiber of my 4 foot 10 & 3/4 inch being until it completely overwhelms me and i take a deep breath and am forever changed.

i grew up around many good things. thus the reason i live for them. but if any human walked up to me and asked me to name one thing that i would say defined my upbringing 3 things would come into mind: 1-"well....i want you to imagine the movie pride and prejudice....now modernize it..." 2-"okay got that...now i want you to add a little LOTR in there...i want you to imagine that a hobbit comes across an elf...but this elf is abnormally little....now they fall in love and make 5 elf/hobbit babies...all girls...." 3-"okay so you've combined the two....added a few mr. darcys....plenty of drama and lots of laughs...an outgoing mom, and shy dad shaking his head and smiling, making you wonder 'does this man love his life or hate it....i'm gonna go with love...look at that smile..." now i want you to put every inch of this scenario to music. and there you go that is my childhood. i can remember going to classical concerts with my piano teacher at age 8. i remember doing the dishes and singing along to u2 with the whole fam. i have this weird memory of climbing on the counter (still have to do that sometimes...shhh.) to get the cd cover for rachmaninoff's piano concertos played by vladimir ashkenazy which was blasting through the house and telling my mom as i pointed to old sergei, "that's what i want to be when i grow up." i was maybe a year into my music lessons. i remember watching ingrid michaelson play her uke, being completely speachless and going home and spending hours on my own that night. i remember hours of too much prince and too much falsetto. i remember sighing as i saw jason mraz live and watched him woo thousands of women all at once. i remember knowing queen and the beatles word for word before i even knew how to spell my own name. i remember the day my aunt and uncle gave me a bunch of john mayer's live cds for my birthday in the midst of my awkward jr high years and falling in love faster and deeper than i thought was possible. i love music so deeply and in so many ways it's gone and grown a brain of its own and i have no way to control it anymore. now go up and read that last sentence in the the first paragraph one more time. that my friends...that doesn't happen every day. but oh...how it happened when i heard my current band of the year, j.wride, release their new cd: indigo.

i honestly cannot say enough good about this band and the music they are making. though i love and appreciate all music, i am not one to hand out unworthy compliments or recommendations. sometimes my clients will tell me their kid's names and i try not to visibly cringe and say... oh...how..neat. but when a client sits in my chair and can tell me their child's name and it is legitimately awesome, i'm sure my face lights up and i say something along the lines of "dude! way cool....tell me the story behind it..." j.wride, they are a good baby name. one that makes you want to name your kid after them. only in this case we are listening and falling in musical love. not having babies or naming them after bands. i just like analogies and i'm too creative. :) there are two ways i will share why i now love this band and why you should love it as well. 1-there's an acoustic version of one of their songs on my playlist below. in fact it's probably been playing this whole time you've been reading without you even realizing it. find it. listen to it. and listen to it again. is it not so good? 2-i love lists. every day i make several of them. specifically top tens. i love making top tens. so here is my top ten for j.wride....

1-their cd release show was so CLASSY. though i love all music, every kind, every aspect....i've got to say i never totally adapted to crazy shows full of smoke and mosh pits and obnoxious high/drunk fans. what i'm getting at is i like me a nice, classy, live musical experience. the first thing i noticed about mr. jesse wride and his band is they know how to put on a classy show. the listeners were excited but polite. the venue was nice. there were seats. great lighting. great sound. it was refreshing.

2-The lead singer, Mr. Jesse Wride is a pianist. and his piano skills are enough to make any girl weak at the knees. seriously people. i studied classical piano for 13 years and i was completely blown away.

3-He also has a talking voice that is almost as attractive as his singing voice. i don't think i'm alone in loving great vocals. and...He wore a tie with his untucked dress shirt. :) Maybe i'm a girl and i notice the details too much, but i love musicians who can rock their own style and look good doing it.

4-speaking of style Mr. Court Eccles, the master of the bass, has amazing glasses.

5-And Mr. Austin Anderson, with his phenomenal rhythm, wears a sexy buzz cut; trust me they're hard to come across.

6-Jesse gave the best band introduction i've heard since Mr. Jason Mraz. very creative. very impressive.

7-Each band member is each so individually talented, yet when they play together, they play as one. I've learned that it's hard to find a good band. there are many good solo musicians who grab some people who know a thing or two about music and attempt at a "band." but in the end it's one really amazing soloist with a few mediocre musicians backing them up. thus building the musicians and ultimately taking away from the soloist. though jesse sings for the band and thus the spotlight may fall on him more often, he has two great men backing him up and all three of them take turns exemplifying their supreme skills on their individual instruments. in fact the music is written in a way that all musicians involved are...well...involved.

8-to touch on the second part of the above statement... the part about them playing as one: as i watched them play i could see them constantly making eye contact and watching each other play. they were so together. no one was competing. no one was lost. making it the best experience possible for performers and listeners alike.

9-as a lover of music and words both, were i to have to pick one i'd pick to die because i couldn't live without either. i respect a musician who can write good lyrics. so very much. and j.wride's got that down.

10- as the years go by, i feel like we're experiencing the strangest combination of the music industry getting better and worse all at once. i feel that there are people who pretend to love music and somehow get on the radio and making millions with their garbage to the ears and a whole bunch of celebrity drama actually sustaining them. but i also know there musicians out there who are truly talented and continually learning from our heroes of the past and coming up with all kinds of new, creative and glorious things. real music involves beautiful melody, creative harmony, the right amount of musical twists to keep intelligent side of us humans on our toes, memorable patterns to get the songs stuck in our heads, the seasoning of many unique instruments working together to support and adequately portray each other's beauty. as i listened to this music live and on the cd, i heard beautiful string melodies, strong brass and bass, rhythmic drums and beats, crisp and clear piano solos and warm piano accompaniments. there were some songs that were upbeat and catchy, others that were solemn and serene. it's not a style i can classify or compare. it's something all its own. and it's something great. here's the place to hear more of it yourself: facebook.com/jwridemusic

go have one of those breath taking, heart melting musical experiences; one of the best good things in life we get. i triple dog dare you...

best moments of 2010...

2011-01-03T20:53:00.004-07:00

here's just a few of the things i never want to forget...

the birth of the jedi braid
eating poptarts with cory smith in the lobby of supercuts
seeing 30 seconds of 30 seconds to mars
doing kenna's hair for her wedding
buying my uke
the first time i was able to strum it and make music come out without looking and feeling like i was having a seizure
rock climing with allie
being roomates with jen
that shopping spree with allie when we saw one too many awkward couples in victoria's secret and i bought my rose ring
seeing josh for the first time in 2 years
the day trip to ephraim when josh and i found the mexican taco man and many creepy things. left without a taco. left with one last unforgettable adventure.
cory's farewell
open mic nights with dave
scrabble night with cory (and mick)...lots and lots but never enough
eating more otter pops than i thought was humanly possible and watching an entire season of chuck with carrie and dan all day and night on the 4th of july
the roman themed murder mystery dinner-toga made out of a fitted sheet and many laughs included
ukulele duets with mama raptor...hours and hours and hours of playing our ukes.
yah poh with cortni and cade
FINDING DAPHNE
yellow wednesday shopping with aubree and nib... "sag sag"
all of my amazing target purchases
my first pair of toms
days weeks and months of writing the greatest pen pal in the world
making a sandcastle with kip at newport beach
easton's t-ball game "dad....i just want a sandwich!"
seeing how to train your dragon with dayna...we broke into a laughing fit that was so intense we almost had to leave the theatre.
having a similar experience with garrison when we saw the same movie. only we weren't laughing so much...mostly he was just turning into a 5 year old child again.
hiking/touring timp caves with brad dorner
seeing brad dixon, one of the greatest friends and examples i will ever have, fall in love and marry and amazing woman...and getting to be the one to do her hair on their special day
sitting in the front seat on splash mountain for the first and last time
passing my kidney stone
going to the nutcracker with daniel and my favorite little couple and giggling/sleeping off and on through the entire thing
sliding rock with cory and chaz
hiking the y on nib's birthday
finding all the home videos quincy has secretly been making
the ultimate home remodeling project
seeing ingrid michaelson live...literally having my heart melt a little and being completely inspired
meaningful talks with garrison till the sun comes up
grilled gourmet tacos at rubio's
peter pan by lehi jr. high school
getting a poloroid camera. finally.
inception
helping garrison work on his mustang
learning to solve the rubik's cube
disneyland with kip
listening to to kip giggle in the tiki room for the entire show. no joke.
learning what credit actually is
lake tahoe. every minute of it. will never ever get old.
cutting my mema's hair into a pixie cut
tickle/pillow fights with andrew
laying on the mini trampoline and star gazing and laughing with andrew for hours on end
getting my own car for the first time
eating ramen late at night and having discussions on the proper seasoning/water/noodle ratios with scott jefferies
re-reading harry potter and falling in love with it all over again
starting the microwave on fire with nib and scott. we all smelled like burnt popcorn for days. literally.
motab-featuring david archuleta with roman
the branbury in all its glory
eating j-dawgs at uvu with mick every wednesday
reading for one more day by mitch albom
rice king with my andrew (and sometimes jimmy)
watching daniel love chloe
listening to storey giggle
re-establishing my piano studio and having 8 wonderful little students
saying goodbye to lehi and making orem home
browsing barnes & noble for hours and most days walking out empty handed
creating the awkward blog
skinny dipping in lake tahoe
sunbathing and eathing subzero with allie for hours
going to color me mine with dayna
saying goodbye to dayna and knowing that her testimony will change houston, texas forever
all of the people and stories i had the privilege of knowing through supercuts
my first cheesecake factory experience. so good i dreamed about it that night.
my first time having roasted starbursts
swimming from the pier to campers beach at lake tahoe, thinking i was going to die, flopping onto the beach and then sleeping in the sun till i could breath and walk again
runing to muse
my turquoise ring
the epic birthday waterballoon fight
when allie could see again after i hit her in the eyes with a waterballoon
growing to love my gray eyes for the first time in my 22 years
falling in love with chuck bartowski
pulling all nighters because i can't stop watching chuck
oreos with milk. every night. all summer.
aubree and chase...those "tweety love birds."
"the reptile" (that ones for you nib)
hiking the g with dayna
boots. lots and lots of boots.
quesadilla's with alfredo sauce
wathcing simon, the sexiest british man alive, latin dance.
converse days
cafe rio dates with my mom
extremely inspirational ward conference
the day i met my friend steven and we jumped on the trampoline in the pouring rain in late october till i was soaked down to my underwear and my body was frozen and loving every minute of it
being itroduced to the music of mr steven stucki
listening to nib sing and play her uke
at least 365 asian buns
quincy and the dale hat
going shooting. the first gun i ever touched or shot was a machine gun. it made my whole body convulse. i screamed bloody murder. almost pooped my pants. i have vowed to never shoot a gun again as long as i live.
meaningful arguments and conversations with dre
watching kramer eat his moutian of lettuce everyday.
bum wars
crepe nights
fresca's
tender mercies.
jen and jeff's ukulele concerts
aubree in wheezerland
daniel aguilera's accent
all my dear friends and good laughs at progrexion
making sure all the people i love look goooooood.
fast food runds and unforgettable chats with dave
awkwardfamilyphotos.com
phony photos. best. game. ever.
laugh-crying.
deciding my calling in life: to write.
good cries with my dear friends ben & jerry.
the way kip man giggles at EVERYTHING
ending this year and starting the next with the 6 people i love the most.

gratitude

2010-11-26T19:33:00.004-07:00

i know i'm a day late but i still want to share a little bit of thanks. it's been on my mind for days i've just been too busy to get on here.

i am grateful for....

the alarm clock that wakes me up at 5:00 am each morning, because it means i get another day to live.

waking up each morning with 3 cats and a dog in my bed, a terrarium with a turtle inside at the foot of my bed, and my little fish in its bowl on the nightstand next to my bed.

the angry people who yell at me over the phone all day, because that means i still have a job.

the people who are nice to me over the phone and who actually take 5 minutes to hear me out, because it makes me remember there are still nice people in the world; and i rethink the way i treat people.

the way it feels when i sit down at a piano and my hands know what to do with all 88 keys like it's second nature.

the woman who never had the opportunity to do that but wanted it so badly she sacrificed everything necessary to give it to me instead.

knowing what it feels like to get a stomach ache from eating too much food, because it means i always have more than enough to eat.

that cute, skinny, redhead with double jointed fingers who is the only person as weird as me who, loves me as if i were her own child and i honestly couldn't live without.

sleeping on an air mattress for 3 months straight because now i actually appreciate my bed.

my taped together, hand-me-down phone because it gets the job done day after day after day.

the soldier in afghanistan who is constantly supporting every crazy idea i can come up with and who listens to all of my girly drama with the patience of a saint from the other side of the world and whom, through his quiet example, teaches me what sacrifice and faith are all about.

putting 30 bucks of gas in my car on a weekly basis because it means i have a means of transportation.

that beautiful blonde girl with impeccable taste, a sense of humor who touches all she meets and who makes my heart happy every single day.

that feeling when i hit mile 3 of my run when it feels like i can keep going for ever, because it means i not only have legs that work great but the rest of my body is up and running...literally :) something i often take for granted.

my own personal big foot who loves me unconditionally, who beats me in the face with a pillow or tickle tortures me till i laugh myself sick, who gives the best hugs on the planet when i need them most and who is continually encouraging me to be my quirky little self because he's seen me at my best and worst and knows what i'm capable of becoming.

the little reptile who quietly munches on a bowl of lettuce bigger than his whole body and comes out of his shell to watch me get dressed every morning without fail.

the manly, scratchy, hoarse voice i'm dealing with because for the first time in my life i'm appreciating the voice i was given.

my adorable chief rat, with her awkwardly large teeth in her little giggling 7 year old mouth, with an attitude and ambition that the world should be prepping itself for. always making me laugh. always reminding me what i live for.

every stupid boy i've ever thought i loved only to have my little heart crushed time and again, because it's made me better, stronger and made me love the boy who will actually get my heart all the more.

stabbing contacts into my tired eyes each morning because it means my eyes still work and there's a way for me to see clearly.

the all natural, polish dog loving, gorgeous brunette who cackles like a witch, who will always be my opposite in every way but will always be a great friend and example to me in ways she doesn't even know.

all 5 of the females i have to fight over the one and only bathroom with, because i couldn't live my life without each and every one of them. or the bathroom. ha.

beautiful music that tickles my soul 100 times a day. if not more. and the elf-like ears i use to listen with.

that npr loving man who has provided everything i've ever needed for 22 years and counting and who, without a word, teaches me hard work, patience and humility.

the ability to look at words and know what they mean without even thinking twice about it.

the missionary serving in seattle, washington who has strengthened my testimony in ways he will never know and who i miss so very much; especially when i eat a pop tart or catch a glimpse of my jedi braid.

the 1/2 inch of regrowth i have to color each month because it means i can still grow a full mane of hair.

the teeny tiny girl with auburn hair and freckles that match my own who's got a sense of humor far beyond her years and who's quiet, calm presence creates a peace second only to heaven itself.

picking up a comb and a pair of scissors and being able to help friends and strangers feel like they can face the world for another day.

that boy with the crazy hair who i can text any time, day or night, who knows how to tease and to love just enough, who supports me through consistency and also supports my favorite fast food eating habits every time he's in town.

staying home alone on a friday...because it gives me some time to think and recoup and knit and show my uke some love....and remember how much i love john mayer and his clever words and heart melting melodies.

that little instrument with four nylon strings that makes my sad days sunny.

the little black and white cat with crazy big eyes, a spot on her left nostril and a broken tail, who came and found me in a park one night....i thought i was doing her a favor by giving her a home and some food, but really she was helping me more.

that imaginary boy with the lightning bolt shaped scar who has been my best friend through all of the awkward, lonely phases of life.

the biggest perfectionist on planet earth who is always driving me crazy but always making me a better person through her unspoken encouragement and endless love. no person will ever love me like she does.

crying till my head hurts because it means i'm learning something.

laughing so hard my abs are sore the next day because that's what it's all about.

that book i read each night, no matter how tired i am and even when i don't feel like it, when i'm sad and lonely, when i'm scared and trying to make a choice, when i'm happy and life's okay....always making life make sense.

the person who loves me more than i will ever fathom, who gave the ultimate sacrifice in my behalf, who gives me a reason to hope, to live, to love, to work, to get up and try one more time each time i fall down, who is at my side to lift me when i no longer have the strength and who celebrates each of my accomplishments as if they were his own...my ultimate example and closest friend.

knowing he's just a prayer away and he always hears me no matter what. ♥

cause that's my skin....that's my skin....that's my skin...

2010-11-18T10:07:00.002-07:00

i've gotta get some of these words out of my soul before i explode.

i've been thinking a lot about life.

i do that a lot. but it's times like these that make me think even more than usual.

i've spent so many years trying to become what i like.

i've always wanted: curly hair. smaller hips. thinner thighs. bigger lips. darker eyes. more proportionate teeth. i've wanted to be a musician. i've wanted a voice to match the music in my heart. i've wanted to write music that will stop people dead in their tracks. i've tried to be charming and poised. to have flawless, tan skin. to dress just the right way. to like certain shows. and read certain books. i've attempted to be successful. to be the student. the hair stylist. the bum. okay so i never wanted that one but i sure tried it out. i've always wished i could grow just a little more. 4'11" isn't bad but 5'4" would be ideal. i've wished i could be healthy and eat the way i'm supposed to without brainwashing myself into it. to be able to dance. to not be the only female on the planet that still can't do a cartwheel. to not be so athletically challenged. i've spent hours dying and plucking and curling and waxing and running and reading and practicing and thinking...doing everything i could to become this image.

and then i snapped.

i lost it completely.

there were things that lead up to this melt down. different events i'd rather not get into. but last night i hit that end of the rope. i called my best friend and sobbed to her over the phone. i cried out my insecurities, my failures, my let downs. i let out all the hours of work that still left me empty. all of the people who have left me in the dust. i told her how, on top of this battle my life feels like it has fallen apart. how i've had to pick it up and start over and this is how the new start is turning out?

i don't know that i've ever been so lonely. with the exception of my family the only people who know my heart and understand what to do with it are: on a mission. on the other side of the world. ultimately too far away too much of the time. she comforts me. makes me laugh as tears and boogers are streaming down my face. she reminds me of the times in my life where i knew where i was going and who i was going with. as weird as it was it was so simple and natural...as it should be. that this is just a rough spot in the road. it'll smooth back out and get back to normal again.

then my sweet mom comes into my room and sees me crumpled against the wall. in the middle of a maze of boxes that are foreign but all my own. and she sits and cries with me for awhile. i will never forget all the times she has sat with me and let me just cry till i can't breath and i have two enormously swollen orbs for eyes. i'll never forget the times she's come in my room, crawled in my bed and just cried like my hurt is her own. because to a degree it is. that's what it means to be a mom. she picks up where cortni left off. she starts reminding me of who that person i've lost over the last couple of years is....and how she's going to make it in this crazy life.

i told you what i wanted to be. what i spent years trying to become. now i'll tell you what i am.

i have long stick straight hair. big hips and thick thighs. skinny lips that disappear over fat teeth when i laugh and clear gray eyes. though quite out of practice i'm a classically trained pianist. a wanna be on the uke. writing music has never been my think but i'm always singing my own tune through life. it isn't much to listen to but it matches me just fine. and i do a sick louis armstrong impression when my voice is tired. i'm awkward and nerdy. and while some girls pulled the papers out of the jar in heaven that said: sophisticated, sexy, poised, polite, smart, charming...i grabbed quirky. my first thought was probably "phew...glad i got the q AND the u...it's hard to play the q on the scrabble board without its best friend u...plus q is ten points!" then i came flying down to planet earth like that and i've been trying to figure out what to do with those letters since. but i still know that word could ultimately get me 66 points in scrabble, possibly more. so it can't be all that bad. my skin will always be pasty and freckled. my clothes will always be comfortably weird. someone recently told me i dress in a "bohemian" style. bohemian rhapsody is hands down my favorite queen song so i'm okay with that. i will always sit around watching the food network for hours thinking about how nice it would be to be able to make something like that and then i'll always shut of the tv and never do it. i will always love weird literature and laugh myself sick reading books written for children. i won't stop painting in my underwear till 3 am. and my art will forever be abstract because that is how my brain will always think. and i'll never learn to draw. i will start shrinking before i'll ever grow again. part of me will always be a bum. i'll always love animals, overly carbonated soda and anything coated in sugar and grease too much. the things i do best will never be showy....i won't have dozens of people to watch, to listen, fans to cheer. i won't have exhibits in my honor. i won't produce my own music. nor will i ever be able to throw or catch a ball. i will always avoid dancing like the plague for the sake of others as much as my own. but i know that words will forever come to the same way as breathing. i mold them in my sleep. while i play "good guys and bad guys" with my 4 year old cousin. while i exercise, drive, talk and work. while i sit here in my harry potter boxers, a t-shirt from my "ex boyfriend t-shirt collection" that is an awful shade of green, with poofy sleeves and that reads "i heart stockholm" a souvenir from the time in my life when i thought i was in love with someone who got to visit sweden, my hair piled up into the infamous asian bun, glasses with some hair spray and smudges from entertaining the 4 year old all morning, bad breath, no makeup, and my sassy little cat sitting on my lap getting ready to pounce on my flying fingers i know that this is my calling in life. now that i've got a grip on what i'm cut out to be....lets see what i can do with it.

i want to grow old with you.....

2010-03-23T21:50:00.002-06:00

dear husband,

it's me, cailie, your wife. i know we haven't met each other yet...but that's okay. i'm very small. sometimes people call me an elf. it's a rather legitimate assessment. other times dynamite....now don't get excited. that is usually in reference to my red hair and spicy attitude. but you love all of those things. even my attitude. that still is weird for me to think about. how you love me when i wake up in the morning with my bangs sticking straight up and my mascara is smudged all over my face because i'm generally too lazy to wash it off before bed and i've got my cute little retainer in my mouth with horrendous breath to match. i still don't understand how you love me even when i'm rude. and even when i do awkward things like farting in my sleep or practicing my opera in the shower when i don't think you're home. when i wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you something weird i thought of while i was laying awake and you were asleep so peacefully, you don't even mind....you even have ridiculous things to add... you love me enough to suffer through all of my weird passions...like 3 hour long symphony concerts, whole seasons of friends, shopping events that take an entire day, helping me rearrange the furniture just because i feel like it, carrying my massive purse proudly when i'm too tired, dumpster diving for my "art supplies" for me because you know i always get stuck in the dumpster, folding the laundry with me because you know that's the chore i hate most. you love all the weird art i hang all over our house, and all my writings that i read to you...or your good enough at pretending that you've got me convinced. if you're sweet and nerdy like chuck bartowski and you look kind of like him too i'm okay with that. you can also have the voice of jason castro/john mayer/jason mraz. take your pick. i'm okay with that too. you can pick everything else you're good and and you like...i hope you like some of these things though: long boarding,music,ukulele,rock climbing, road trips, the beach, disneyland, pillow forts, jamba juice,funny things, seinfeld, pets, traveling, yeah i could keep going for a long time but i think i'll stop there. you're kind of in luck...you've got a pretty sweet deal: free haircuts for life. that's right. i'll even learn to cut it just right. i'm a horrible cook. and not much of a homemaker. so i hope your okay with lots of ramen and cold cereal and my random home decor. i'll work on it. so life has been pretty hard lately. sometimes when it rains, it definitely pours. i'm okay with a little sprinkle...sometimes a nice little rain storm with some sunshine and a rainbow at the end. but this full on downpour is getting a little old. but here's the thing...it's making me a better person. i know it would be a lot easier to live through this particular storm with your help...but you're obviously lost or stuck in traffic or something... so i'm being patient. and becoming more of the person you deserve. and the kind of mother your children deserve. trying my best. i think it's working. a little. we will have adorable babies. i want one named max and another named ruby. you can name the other ones. just don't pick stupid names or i will veto them. yes...i have to grow them so i will get that power. my parents are currently just a few feet away from me...sitting in their pjs on the couch together, eating popcorn and watching a weird documentary on the discovery channel and talking about it. it's so sweet. they've been married for 20 some odd years. i want to say 24. and they still love each other as much as ever. someday we will be like that. someday we will grow old together and make the most adorable elderly couple that everyone hopes to be someday...but until then be happy. work hard. do good things. when your life gets hard....and you have no job, no food and your pets heads are falling off! or...you just feel a little more like harry and lloyd than you'd like...remember that i'm here too. and your in my thoughts and prayers through it all and more than you realize. come find me soon. i sure do miss you.

love, cailie.

disappearing pets are not the coolest.

2010-01-05T00:21:00.003-07:00

current favorites:

sudoku puzzles.
organization.
pink grape fruit tic tacs.
500 days of summer.
hempz lotion.
bangs.
john mayer.
yoplait yogurt.
leggings+boots.
writing haikus.
diary of a wimpy kid.
bronze nail polish.
book of mormon.
burts bees chap stick.
weekly planner.
chuck.
quiet time to lay awake and think.
scarves.

recent realizations:

i have two very extreme and rather irrational fears:

1-lice. getting lice. seeing lice. lice in an way, shape or form. just the thought makes me itchy for hours. i even had a terrible nightmare that i had lice last week. i would rather get ringworm or something else gross. living organisms crawling around someone's hair and feeding of their fleshy scalp is enough to make me cringe and hurl all at once.

2-finding a hobo in a dumpster. every time i walk out to the dumpter to throw away all the bags of hair at work i get nervous to open the lid. i genuinely fear that someone crazy is waiting inside and they're going to either pop out and make me poop my pants, or grab me and pull me into the dumpster with them. and it doesn't help that someone has spray painted the word "parts" on the front of this particular dumpster. what kind of parts? sandwich parts...car parts...BODY PARTS.

lloyd is gone forever. in hopes to cheer me up my mom got me a new frog who she named lloyd to go in my new fish bowl with lola, my fish. i put lloyd in his new home. fed him. watched a movie. checked on lola and lloyd and told them goodnight. woke up. got out of bed and walked over to the bowl. lola is swimming around like always but lloyd can't be found. i clean out the bowl. lloyd is definitely not in it. i deep clean my whole desk and shelf area. lloyd is not alive or dead and crispy anywhere. days have gone by. still no sign of lloyd. i know you're thinking lola ate him. but there is absolutely no way she could kill and eat something as big as her without leaving any evidence (i.e. a leg or an arm floating at the top of the bowl) and looking entirely the same as she did the night before. she should AT LEAST look bloated or something. plus when charlie (the first of her frog companions) died she just left his stiff dead body floating at the top of the bowl for hours until i got home and flushed him. even if she was the murderer she had no interest in eating her victim. so...lloyd remains m.i.a. he's a greenish/brownish/gray, about 1" long and 1/4" wide, and he enjoys swimming and hiding in little fake plants. if you find him, dead or alive, please let me know.

i have more to write. but i want to watch chuck more than i want to keep revealing my weird brain and life right now. so keep and eye out for more of my thoughts. and for lloyd.

perfectly lonely.

2009-12-29T19:59:00.003-07:00

hey life,
it's me, cailie. again. well..you really blew it today. that's all i've got to say. kinda knocked the wind out of me. i guess it's only fair. i blow it most days. but that's how we teach each other, right? thank you so much for these things on this cold winter day:

the greatest, npr loving dad in the world.
an intuition that prepared my heart in plenty of time.
john mayer...he always makes it better.
amazing friends.
swedish soda and good memories on a day i was really going to need it.
a new year in three days....enough time to get a head start on my new start.
a single status before i accidentally used my first ever new year's kiss on the wrong boy.
peace.
a determination that i don't think i've ever felt before.
lotion for my bleach burned fingers.
a beautiful quilt for my shivering little body.
laugh-crying. the best feeling on the planet.
the way i love to work out like a mad woman rather than stuff my face when i'm upset.
garf.

sometimes we love each other. sometimes we loathe each other. right now i would normally be hating you. but i actually just respect and appreciate you a lot. sometimes you hurt me. sometimes you make me curl up in my bed and sob so hard my head hurts. other times you make me punch my head yzma style and then i yell and punch my pillow. sometimes you make me cry because i feel bad. other times you make me cry because i'm hurting for someone else. you do a lot of things that i don't quite understand yet. but you do it because i need to be stronger. i need to get my priorities straight again. i need to be me. i haven't really been me for awhile. i feel like i just woke up from a dream and i'm looking around thinking "wow...that was cool. but i'm glad i'm here in MY bed, waking up to MY life again." yeah you're leaving me kind of lonely and lost. but it's perfect and i'm actually loving it and a little excited. so weird. maybe i'm getting it just a little? growing up a tiny bit? lets be honest...you're a little out of whack life...but i wouldn't trade you for anything.
love always,
cailie,

cool clients and the beginnings of the 2010 resolutions...

2009-12-22T21:49:00.003-07:00

sometimes i get kind of sad. sometimes i get angry. pissed. bummed. frustrated. down. bored. impatient. heart broken. lonely. confused. you get my drift. but i've been thinking a lot. (you think i talk a lot...imagine just one minute in my brain!) there are a couple of things that have made me think lately. a few actually. i don't think i can name them all because i had a long day and my brain is a little frazzled. but while i was driving home from work, my brain going 100 miles an hour, the thought that overruled them all was gratitude. i don't know how i'm going to pay for everything i need in the future. car, school, hobbies, family, gas, bills. i don't know how i'm going to have time for everything i would like to get done. i don't know what failures i have ahead of me. what trials to overcome. i'm not sure where i will find success. i don't know how my current relationship is going to end up down the road. i don't know how long it'll be before i lose more of my dear friends because life just keeps moving and i often feel i'm a step behind them all. my life has been in this weird limbo of unanswered questions and decisions left to be made for quite awhile. it can cause extreme frustration. it can leave me awake and crying late at night. it can make me bitter and confused. it has made me angry when i've tried to solve its mysteries and my solutions have let me down. but as i grow up (yeah i said it.. i'm GROWing UP...practically an adult....may or may not be...eventually ;) ) i think maybe i'm learning just a few things. and it's nights like these when i feel the end of the rope edging a little closer to my worn out hands and then i'm hit with something else...something far beyond my own measly human thoughts...that i step back and say "hey cailie...whoa...i think you're getting it a little bit!....wahoo!..."

tonight i am grateful for my job. it's nice just to have a job right now. but its even nicer to have a wonderful job. i don't always love being at work, but i always love my job. my manager can be kind of funny...a little crazy, but she is a great woman i am growing to love and respect very much. beyond the expected respect, i know she loves all three of us that work for her. she asks us about our lives. she listens, remembers, is always giving advice. looking out for our best interest inside and outside of the workplace. all of us are single/still dating and she is always keeping up on the drama of that. :) and after listening to my concerns tonight while we closed we walked out to out cars, helped each other chisel the ice and snow off, and laughed our heads off because of the chunks of ice flying and hitting us in the face. weird to laugh at that, yes? you work enough long days and it'll happen to you too. :) i'm also grateful for the two wonderful girls i work with. they are both beautiful, and fun. they have strong testimonies and also care so much about me and a stylist and as just me. all three are people i know i will stay friends with for many years to come.

i'm grateful for all of the neat people i meet through my job on a daily basis. i can have anywhere from 5-15 clients in my chair daily. each haircut can take me anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour to complete. that means i have that much one on one time to get to know someone. listen to what they have to share with me about life and share with them what i can about my own philosophies of what it's all about. i'm grateful for the people who are inspired to tell me the things that will get me through that day. make me just a little better. yesterday it was a little 18 year old boy. he just finished his first semester at byu. he was the kind of kid i would've been friends with. he walked in all energetic with a random t-shirt i'm positive he found at d.i. and some sweet converse. his hair was pretty shaggy. he plopped down in my chair and said "here's the deal....i need it off my collar and ears to keep byu happy...but i want you to help me keep it as long as i can, but still clean, and a cool style. ready...go." haha. so as we complete that task he told me all about his life and i told him all about mine. he told me how he was so poor he could barely pay for groceries and his dad had to drive to provo to get him when he was ready to come home for the holidays because he didn't have enough money for the bus pass. i told him how i understood. we talked about our goals and i told him i want to travel so badly. he went on to explain how he and his two best friends saved money their entire high school career and when they graduated they backpacked through europe for two months. don't worry. the remainder of his haircut that is all we talked about. he was able to visit 17 countries! he saw things i can only dream of seeing. and he told me "cailie....you can totally do it. start saving. just a little. everyday..." i kind of rolled my eyes and mumbled about needing a car and living at home at 21 and then we went back to talking about greece and paris and london and venice and austria etc. etc. then we finished. he loved his hair. i totaled his bill. he paid. and then handed me and extra 6 dollars and said start saving and smiled walked out the door. he didn't have enough money for a bus pass....but he came up with enough to help me get one step closer to all of my goals and dreams. it's so silly but it made me tear up. all of the wonderful people that i meet that do something be it tell me just what i need to hear, make me laugh on a hard day, are generous in their tip...encourage me and push me a little closer to my ambitions and goals...they all make me tear up. they all make me a little more grateful. they all give me a greater desire to be more generous, more understanding, more aware of the needs of others than my own. i know we often times talk about how awful the world is getting...but there are so many good hearts out there. trust me. i have the privilege of meeting them daily.

i am so grateful for my family i can barely even start on this one. whenever i face my own silly moments of despair they are what keeps me going. as i have these growing up moments i find myself thinking about them more and more. i remember feeling anxious to move out again as soon as i moved back home. but the longer i live here the more i appreciate the moments i have at home with them. (might be taking this back in 20 years when i'm still at home with them...haha just kidding) life happens so quickly. sometimes when i watch quincy and i have that moment where i actually realize she is growing up i cry a little. and for a few minutes i wish i could just freeze her silly little, rat loving, 6 year old self with missing teeth and a curiosity that can only be found in a kindergartner. or when i watch storey writing little notes and singing miley cyrus songs and telling me all kinds of funny little pre-teen things like who likes who on the jonas brothers show. i don't want that to go away. aubree graduates this year. i got choked up over that the other day. nolle starts high school next year. just over a year till she starts driving and dating. they are both TALLER THAN ME. stop growing up! my dad is getting more gray hairs every time i cut it. it reminds me of one of my favorite john mayer songs...stop this train, i want to get off and go home again...I can't take the speed it's moving in...I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train. well the train isn't stopping. and i'm grateful i'm learning to appreciate it before its too too late. i'm so grateful for the opportunity to be together for christmas this week. my family is truly my greatest joy.

i'm grateful for a warm house. good food. beautiful music. great company. laughter. corny jokes.

i'm grateful for the temple. it is truly heaven on earth.

and i am grateful for my Father in heaven..and for my Savior. i'm grateful for prayer. i can get on my knees anytime. anyplace. there is always someone to listen to all of my thoughts and concerns. to help me with ANY challenge i will face. i am grateful for the infinite love i receive on a daily basis. i am grateful for the Lord's love that is shown in my life through the hands of many others. my greatest resolution for the coming year is that i will be a tool in the Lord's hands more than i am now. that i will seek out opportunities to serve His children daily. albert einstein once said "only a life lived for others is worth living." i'm ready to make that a reality in my own.

a tribute to lucy and a few other thoughts on the meaning of life...

2009-12-10T23:09:00.003-07:00

it's kind of a weird thing. the way i can just feel content with my thoughts for days at a time. and then one day i just feel kind of suffocated by them. they start to overwhelm my whole being till i sit down and get them out. and then i feel that peace and contentment again until the next time my thoughts start building up and creating that choking/burning/anxious feeling inside me. it's starts in my mind and then slowly it connects to my heart. it's just a little feeling of "hmm...good one cailie..." but then the more i think about it and the more it expands the more it begins to fill up that mind and heart connection. and then the more full it gets the more anxious i get to release these overwhelming ideas. and with that increase of anxiousness it starts to fill up the pit of my stomach. and when i leave it longer and longer it will start to ooze down my legs and arms and into my fingers and toes. till my whole body is screaming that i need to attempt to share my thoughts, feelings, ideas, with someone. anyone. usually chris gets to hear all these overwhelming thoughts. most days it goes something like this:
ring ring ring ring ring ring (for some reason he lets it ring about 9 times till i'm just waiting for the voicemail to start...)
hello?
hey! guess what!
what?
i made $40 bucks in tips today! and i had 9 clients! and i ate pasta for lunch! and i had this one crazy client....big long explanation! and i'm really itchy from tons of hair poking me! but i had some request clients come back to me! and this goes on for awhile!
then he says "cool."
then the normal, relaxed conversation begins.

other times it's more relaxed to begin with. we're just chatting about something and then some idea on how life works that i've been thinking about comes up and i get really excited and passionate about it and the next thing i know i'm rambling for 15 minutes straight and he just sits quietly, smiling and listening. and then when i finally stop to breath he adds a sentence and then i butt in and start going again. and he just starts smiling and listening again. haha. so most times i just talk too much ( thank goodness he's such a patient/good listener, eh? :) but there are times i get that overflow of thoughts and it's something else. i know it's something else when it makes me choke up; cry a little even, and i don't talk about it as much and the same way.

about 14.5 years ago when i was in about 1st/2nd grade (that was about the time i finally started growing the wedge out if that tells you anything about how long ago it was) my family somehow got roped into getting a cute little black and white kitten for free. she was nameless for a little while. note: i was kind of a weird child. i remember loving strange old tv shows like i dream of genie and the wonder years. i also quite enjoyed i love lucy. so one afternoon, within days of getting our new pet i enjoyed an episode of i love lucy and then i remember distinctly being upstairs in my mom's bathroom petting the new cat and telling her we should name her lucy. i remember giggling and thinking it was funny. but also thinking how cool and suiting that name was. lucille ball was so crazy but she was all grown up and beautiful but really funny in my young eyes. and somehow lucy seemed like a sophisticated name. so lucy it was. and it stuck.

i remember sometime in the early years of lucy's life i wrote a book called "lucy long legs the cat" i was so proud of that story. i drew lots of pictures and words all about my skinny little black and white cat. i remember the day lucy got out. one of only 3 times she would EVER leave the house. and shortly after that we noticed how fat she was getting. yep. she snuck out and got pregnant. i remember watching her get bigger and bigger and getting more and more excited for kittens. (note: this was the only time lucy ever got very fat) i remember when she started giving birth in her cat box, haha, and my mom helped her deliver the kittens. she had 4 of them. she was a strange, but good mom. i remember one time she got brave and jumped up on the counter and ate a big bowl of pasta and then she threw it up and it got all over my mom's bedroom door. i know that's a strange memory. but i guess that stood out to me as a child. lucy was at every christmas since i was just starting elementary school. every birthday. every day after school she was sitting at the top of the stairs, just watching. lucy was a pretty anti-social cat. she didn't really like playing or being petted much. but she would warm up if you were patient. she had this weird habit of only liking to drink running water. she'd sit and meow by bathtub or on bathroom sink until you turned it on for her. but it couldn't be running too fast. or barely dripping. it had to be at just the right speed.

the second time i remember lucy leaving the house she come home a little beat up. my guess was that she got in a fight with the father of her children. as far as i'm concerned lucy won. but she still had some battle wounds. i remember laura and rick turner were at our house and they helped my parents bandage her up. i was probably somewhere in the middle of elementary school. my guess would be 4th or 5th grade. i don't remember any of her wounds except one of her front paws was bleeding pretty bad and they used a tampon to get in there and clean it. again a weird memory. but i remember being so worried about lucy and kind of standing back and watching and then thinking "what is that strange cotton ball they are using?..." and then seeing the wrapper and thinking "oh one of those weird 'grown up' things...i didn't realize they are for fixing cats..." if you were wondering if strange people were once strange kids, they were. i am living proof.

as i started to grow up and pay a little more attention to my appearance lucy would sit on the bathroom counter and watch me learn to apply makeup and make my long hair look cute. she was a friend through all the awkward jr. high years. her whole life she slept on the foot of my parents' bed. she always loved my dad. my mom said she was in love with my dad. haha. it was always a weird joke we had. once chole came around and then oliver joined the dog team her attitude got a little worse at times. which is totally understandable. they tormented her so much. they'd jump around her barking and she'd hiss and scratch them and they'd run away. so really, lucy won every time.

one time when i was in high school it was a spring/summer night and i got home kind of late. i was walking in the house. the little porch light was on so there was some light in the front of the house but not much. there is a window well right in the front of our house next to the corner of the porch. there are also vines growing all over the front of the house and lots of plants in that general area. so it's hard to see anything suspicious going on in that particular window well at this time of year. well it's late and dark and i'm walking on the sidewalk past the window well and all of the sudden lucy comes flying out of the leafy window well. hissing and making scary cat noices. flying. yes she flew out of that window well. not and exaggeration. she almost hit me and i started screaming. that was the third of the three times i remember her leaving the house. there was another time that flying thing happened. i almost pooped my pants the second time too. somehow lucy and the dogs got locked on the basement stairs. they were being relatively quiet, so when i opened the door to go down there and get something the three of them came barreling out...lucy literally flew in the air again and then ran away and hid. this time wasn't nearly as scary. at this point i was in high school. i remember those two incidents combined with a couple of weird times where i'd find lucy walking around and watching me late at night caused me to get a little creeped out. i called her creepy lucy for awhile. nothing is more scary than having your cat fly in the air hissing with claws out in the middle of the night...and you know when cats are walking around at night and they turn just right and their eyes glow all crazy...yeah her little nightly adventures that resulted in us running into each other often included that...but really she was just watching out for me. it took me awhile to realize but she was very motherly.

lucy watched me graduate. she kept me company for my first year of college when i spent a lot of time in bed...sick with mono and every other flu you could imagine. she watched me leave for college. and she was always there on the stairs waiting to be pet (and waiting on the bathroom counter for me to turn on the water) when i came home to visit. in her younger years she plumped up a little. but at this point she reminded me of yzma from the emperor's new groove as a cat. she was rather bony. but had that little bit of excess, saggy skin. it was also at this point that we really started noticing that lucy was getting old. and we'd always talk about how she would live forever. ten...twelve...that was so old. and she was so healthy. i really felt like she'd be around forever.

and she just kept going. through hair school. through lots of boyfriends. all the teenage and and college age drama. and then this summer/early fall i started to notice lucy couldn't jump up to her food. and wouldn't meow so much to have me turn on the water. so we started lifting her. not long after i also noticed that she only had two teeth in her little mouth. that was a really scary moment. but she kept eating and kept watching our lives move on. then the day came where i lifted her up and noticed a lump on her stomach. i also started to notice she was getting dandruff. both signs of her age showing and her life slowing down. pretty soon the lump on her stomach became several larger lumps. not long after they started to turn into sores. she started eating and sleeping less. and for awhile no one said anything but we all knew what was coming. right before thanksgiving my mom and i took her to the vet. the only solution was to love her for the few weeks we had left.

as a family we decided that when we could tell she was in pain, then we would let her go. it didn't take long. so today we all said goodbye. lucy had been around for so long and we knew it was coming. but every one of us has cried our eyes out. literally. it's weird how things become habit. just a way of being. we become so used to the little things that make life what it is. lucy was quiet. kept to herself. but she has been the routine of my life for as many years as i can remember. it's just part of my day to pet her and turn on the water. and then before we new it that part of life has come and gone. it's sot hard to let go of something that has been so close for so many years. my mom turned the water on for awhile as she got ready for bed tonight. :)

so as i sit her crying all over again i've been thinking about life a little more than i usually do. how it comes and goes. one of my favorite scriptures is in 2nd nephi i'm pretty sure and it says something to the extent of life passing away...like a dream. it really does just come and go in the blink of an eye. and then you have those moments where you realize it's come and gone. there are so many little things like seeing the beloved family cat sitting on the stairs watching everyone come and go, waiting for someone to pet her and give her a drink...little daily routines...that is what life is. all these little routines. wake up. brush teeth. get ready. eat some cereal. give hugs and kisses goodbye. listen to the chunga show and drive to work...etc. etc. do we ever notice them? not until the flow is disturbed. then we realize how much each little detail of our life matters. i am so grateful for these details. i'm grateful for seeing quincy's static-y hair and crazy smile after work tonight. i'm grateful for storey's little shy smile when i asked her about a boy in her class, i'm grateful for tieing my mom's apron for her, i'm grateful for hearing aubree talking about chase...again... i'm grateful for taking the time to let my dad tell me and show me all about what he learned on npr today, i'm grateful for nolle's cute crimped hair and green shoes an sweater, i'm grateful for hearing chris's laugh over the phone and making plans for christmas, i'm grateful for chole jumping up and down and barking to go outside, and then jumping up and down and barking to come inside, and now laying next to me in my bed, i'm grateful for that moment of complete and utter death to the nostrils that happens every time chole's mouth opens, i'm grateful for that weird voice nolle uses when she's being funny, i'm grateful for seeing aubree running around almost naked all the time and the way her bathroom always reeks of chlorine, i'm grateful for the one of a kind cards and notes and homemade birthday gifts storey always gives, i'm grateful for "like a rat" and the rat hands, i'm grateful for the moments when we have to have talks about "when it's time to be a human girl and when it's time to be an animal: rat, rodent of any kind, raptor, etc." i'm grateful for my mom's head lamp and her terrible british accent that makes me cringe just a little, i'm grateful for when chris starts to kiss me and then thinks of something funny and starts laughing, full on laughing his head off in my mouth mid-kiss (yes this happens almost every time) and then we both end up laughing at everything for the next hour or so. i'm grateful for when the front of my dad's hair starts to get too long and it kind of looks like antenna, i'm grateful that he is so sensitive i can look at him during any moment that is remotely spiritual or touching and see tears in his eyes, i'm grateful for chase's laugh and the way he tackles aubree every time he walks in the door, i'm grateful that chris laughs at everything. at every good and bad moment, i'm grateful that he had no problem with wearing pants with a gigantic hole right in the crotch to meet some of my best friends, hahaha and that i didn't even notice till he pointed it out and we were laughing our heads off about it, i'm grateful for the noise of the quilting machine...and how i fall asleep listening to it almost every night, i'm grateful for the way kramer/tortie crawls out from under his log and just sits and watches me get dressed every morning...kind of creepy that that's the moment he chooses to wake up and say hello everyday, but i love seeing his little face looking at me naked or clothed... i'm grateful for coats and scarves when it's cold outside. and tonight i am very grateful for the noise of running water and the memories of having one of the strangest but most loyal and loving pets around. thank you lucy for all of the good times. may we love each other a little more and never forget all the simplicities...the little things that make life what it is. it really is too short to let anything slip by. i dare you to notice these little things. notice the things that bug you. notice the things you never have time for. notice the things you love. notice the things that make you laugh. it will change your life, i promise.

birthday surprise

2009-11-18T12:17:00.004-07:00

today is quincy's last day as a 5 year old. there is no school for her tomorrow so when i pulled up i saw something that looked a little like this:

i apologize that it's sideways. i can't seem to switch it on this computer. but you get the idea. don't you love the "double lollie" with her little teeth marks all over it in her hand? she talked about double lollies and what it was like having a birthday at school for the first time the entire way home. double lollies are kind of like giant smarties but in one clump...so they make a big sucker. they are quincy's favorite candy. some of the other things she got to do at school for her birthday included: being the line leader for the WHOLE day, picking the sentence the class learned to read-she picked "werthers wednesday" because werthers are her other favorite candy, wearing that neat sparkly crown ALL day-except for recess...she left it on her desk for recess and her friend sara sat and picked lots of the glitter out of her hair, and my personal favorite: riding on the "good choice chair ride." up to this point i was just listening and thinking "oh how cute." but then she starts going on and on about something she keeps calling the good choice chair ride...

me: "wait a minute...what did you just say?"

quincy: "i rided on the good choice chair ride after recess..."

me: "um...what on earth is that..."

quincy: "we use miss club's chair and we take it all the way down to the gym and she spins us super super fast for a long time on it for our birthday."

me: "miss club takes the class down to the gym and uses her wheely chair to spin the birthday kid around?..."

quincy: "yep! it's sooooo fun!"

me: "did you scream?"

quincy:

me: "wow...hmm....wwwwoooowww...maybe someday i'll get a ride on the good choice chair ride for my birthday..."

how much weirder/awesome can the world get?

ps i just ate a laffy taffy...this was the joke on it. question: what would you do without your memories? answer: forget. well....duh....is it just me or are you not understanding why that is a joke either?....

hahahahahhahahahha. oh dear.

synchrony

2009-11-15T13:53:00.003-07:00

a few things i don't ever want to forget:

listening to hoowoo sing his favorite song: party in the usa.

hours of mythbusters.

pumpkin pie.

up.

date night with mr. and mrs. fetus.

midnight snacks on the kitchen floor with chris.

snuggling with woogy (as long as her bad breath is non existent)

too much christmas music way too early.

spiked bread bowls.

that creepy pussy cat run chase does sometimes.

more of the wheezy laugh.

being a piano teacher.

new job.

come thou fount of every blessing piano/violin duet.

grocery shopping with the cutest boy i know.

"like a rat."

painting till 3:30 am one too many nights in a row.

when rat nests and holiday wreaths meet.

devin's chinese.

apples to apples.

when chris turns into dennis the menace.

my big furry blanket.

birthday posters.

eskimo kisses.

midnight longboarding.

answers to prayers.

more to come.

velcro.

2009-11-10T00:51:00.003-07:00

today i like:
funny nicknames.
midnight cereal.
buying ice cream cones with change.
not getting dressed.
good friends.
feeling successful.
that one cute boy with a sexy creepster mustache.
my wonderfully hilarious family.
nolle's wheezy laugh.
sqweenchies.
singing jason mraz.
feeling peace.

hope you like the new green carpet.

2009-11-06T01:05:00.002-07:00

confession time:
it is 1 am and i'm painting.
i was listening to simon and garfunkel.
then i switched to enjoying some reggae.
the enjoying part ended a few minutes ago when i realized the bottle of forest green paint had tipped over.
i shouldn't drink so much caffeinated soda so late in the evening.
today i unclogged a vending machine.
sodas just kept coming out. pretty sure i paid for all of them with my angry money shoving act shortly before i decided to stick my skinny little arm inside the machine.
what can i say...i was thirsty.
a moth was crawling around in my box of paints. i didn't have the heart to kill it. and i was to lazy to let it outside. so there is a moth half crawling half flying somewhere closeby.
wearing a shirt that says "i am aroma therapy" and smelling a little too much like b.o. feels like a crime. what can i say...i live life on the edge.
today quincy told me how her best friend at school, daniel, licked her while they were on a field trip at the dinosaur museum. "teacher made him go to the back of the line. we aren't friends anymore."
quincy's kindergarten teacher is named "mrs. wing." quincy calls her either: "teacher" or "chicken wing."
what is art anyway?
how come sometimes cool people get all weird and dumb about the sillest little things and ruin everything? makes me so angry.
why are there so many unhappy and impatient people in this world?
i love people who are open and honest.
i love people who i can talk to after knowing for 5 minutes about deep things and know they care.
laughing so hard you're laying on the ground, bawling, peeing a little and kind of kicking/screaming/having a seizure....that is the best.
i did that so much tonight my abs hurt.
i love my sisters so much.
do you want a cookie?
that's what i say when people say stupid things.
i have a full on conversation with chloe every day without fail.
i hate the way florescent lights make me look like crap. and how i get to look at myself under them all day at work.
where would people go in the middle of the night if walmart wasn't open 24 hours a day?
a boxelder bug has been living in my shower for about a week. he hasn't left. and he hasn't drowned. and while i was showering and watching him crawl around i started wondering if he's living off of shampoo or should i feed him something. i even said hello.
i think i am beyone the point of exhaustion. and my feet are cold.

a minute or two in the brain of cailie.

2009-10-16T19:54:00.003-06:00

i'm starting over.
it's kind of hard.
i don't like sitting home alone on friday nights.
knitting passes the time nicely.
especially when q sits next to me...holding the ball of yarn and making me smile.
i miss my best friend, harry potter.
i wish that series could have lasted forever.
sometimes when you read hp for 6 hours or more, real life seems so simple.
sometimes when you live real life for 6 hours or more, being a wizard sounds so nice.
i cried when it was over.
couldn't have loved it more.
couldn't bare to see it go.
why do people only want what they can't have?
most of us...we really have enough...plus more.
a worker at disneyland asked me if my hair was sunburned.
then he laughed and said he'd found the real ariel.
sometimes i wish i were really ariel.
some days i'd trade my voice for a prince eric.
most days i'd rather slap the sea witch in the face:
"you think after all this, i'd settle?"
that is what i'd tell her.
did they realize that prince eric would learn to swim?
he was willing from the beginning.
it was ariel who needed to learn to trust.
i'm devastated my camera is gone.
with all those pictures with logan and camille on their honeymoon.
that couple...they've change my life.
given me eyes to see the words you read leaving the indiana jones ride:
true rewards await those who wait.
something like that.
same with katie and cory.
they gave me the strength to walk away.
crystal and matt remind me of what soul mates are.
and why i'd be stupid to ever want anything less.
patience is a virture i wake up to every morning.
i cry with every night.
faces i love who aren't okay.
who mask their sad hearts.
hide they're wet eyes.
because they're scared.
they don't understand how much i want to help.
that's what keeps me up at night.
happiness is not a circumstance.
happiness is not luck.
happiness is a choice.
i'm learning to choose everyday.
i want my cello back.
my heart and mind are ready.
not just my fingers like last time.
i don't feel very good.
i'm afriad it's swine flu.
if i die, kramer goes to cortni. who wants charlie and lola?
marley and me made me cry.
but i absolutely loved it.
i love things that make you rethink your life.
rethink your priorities.
i'm glad nate young is so messy when he eats.
that is one ofthe first things i ever loved about my dear friend.
i'm also glad he will talk to me about the gospel in a way that most people don't.
that i can trust him.
and he has such insight.
and he's funny to go to the zoo with.
what a good man.
down to earth people are my favorite.
i love boot season.
i love sweater season.
i love soup, pumpkin pie, windows open let fall breazes in season.
i'm excited for hot chocolate season.
thermals, mittens, fire season.
under pressure, by david bowie & queen.
that song makes me miss josh so much.
maybe next time.
i hate those words.
didn't used to. now i do.
i'd rather hear something more direct.
meaner.
maybe it's sick,
but i always rub the things that hurt into my own face.
places, faces, songs, smells, feelings.
i never want to lose something i loved
because of another person and their choices.
and somehow it helps me to cope.
i think charlie and lola are suffocating in their own poop.
better change their water.
i love them too much already.
loving people and animals....
that's what i do.
i have lots of goals.
i'm ready to get busy on them.
i think i need a sudafed.
icream, pajamas, practice some choir music.
that's all for now.

"...it's all up here..."

2009-10-03T23:17:00.004-06:00

so many things going through my head. i feel like my brain is so jam packed with ideas and thoughts and emotions and feelings and desires and wishes and understandings and questions...and the list could just keep on going. on and on and on. it's no wonder...i, cailie, who used to sleep like a rock, instantly, every night without fail, is having such a hard time sleeping these days. maybe i'll try to get a few of them out. they want to be in the form of poetry. they want to come out in a song. but they just aren't quite ready i guess. so here they are for now.

grocery shopping yesterday i ran into a girl...whom i met though someone...someone who used to be such a good friend. he pulled me though some crappy times and taught me many things. makes me sad we lost touch like we did. tonight i attempted to talk to him. i told him i missed our friendship. he simply said "oh...so how's life?" for the second time. i had already said doing well...same old...and proceeded to tell him i missed him. ignored. like that. bam. sucks, eh? especially knowing that there's nothing i can do. what do i take from it: don't let the people you love go.

storey got a bloody nose yesterday. not a good sign. i've really gained an appreciation for what i have over the last week. i've had several good cries. how often do i take what i have for granted? too often. how often do i do the important thing? love the ones who love me most? give my time to the people who deserve it most? not nearly often enough. that is the number one thing i am changing right now.

that is why i went to the byu/utah state game with my dad. friday night. conference weekend...so really the only day to do anything awesome. loads of places i could be. i chose to be with him. initially it was because: when his little head popped in my room and said "i've got to tickets to the game on friday...and utah state is playing! our teams! what do you say?" and he was so stoked you could just see the enthusiasm squeeking though his smiling eyes and leaking out his hopeful grin. i couldn't say no. and then as i walked a hundred miles to the stadium, getting dirty looks and comments for the big A written on my back, snuck a j-dawg in my pocket, joked around while eating our favorite game food: nibs+rootbeer, learned how football actually works (and i really like watching it now...a lot) sang the byu song together, took some pictures..even some with good old pete, talked about random things and took power naps till traffic died down...that...that right there...will stay with me forever. an average night of mediocre friends and so/so entertainment that always seems to be more than it ever really is and only disappoint me in the end..that would be forgotten. and those are things we can never change. they must be thought out and then followed through from the beginning. "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change..."

i love the zoo. so much.

i loved watching quincy sliding down the slide at the zoo 100 times in a row even more.

i like having a best friend who will drop everything to go to the zoo with me and quincy. who can make me laugh all the freaking time. who quotes every funny movie till you want to kill him. who will even wake you up at the buttcrack of dawn quoting the redbull scene from yes man. who is there to give you a hug when he needs to be. who makes everything...even the weird and awkward things in life that everyone is scared of...funny, who will eat 50 million little bags of pop rocks and freak out when he reads that carbon dioxide is listed in the ingredients..only to keep eating them, who can spend an entire drive from salt lake to lehi talking to you about his gas mileage, who does many idiotic things like torching his parents lawn and smacking me in the face with wet underwear, and who will even argue with me every day, about the dumbest things and drive me absolutely crazy...but like i said...always keeps me laughing. and puts up with my mood swings, my own stupid choices and rude behaviors. i sure do love the kid. and appreciate him more than i often times show.

speaking of best friends. i miss josh so dang much. if a genie popped up and gave me a wish right now i would probably wish to be able to hug him and talk to him for a couple hours. or a million dollars. either way...i still miss josh so much i feel like i could cry.

i'm tired of growing up. everyone getting married. moving far away. never having time. missing so many people and not being able to do anything about it.

i'm learning to love this phase of life...the mystery of not knowing what is going to happen next. not in my nature to love that. but i know i'll miss it someday. so i'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

it feel so good to love what i do.

it also feels good to be done with school. done with boards. to know a job is at my fingertips as soon as i get my butt out there and grab it. by the way my butt will be out there bright and early monday morning because i can't take this laziness anymore....and i'll be grabbing it with my fingers...not my behind...just to clarify.

here's what doesn't feel good: i'm not what he wants. and he's not what i want. and she's not what he wants. and it's all just a big fat circle of rejection and insecurity.

but that's why makes love so beautiful. it's a dang miracle that it ever works out in the first place.

for some reason i'm loving the coming winter. for the first time ever. what could this mean?

haiku of the day:

Life comes, and life goes.
What matters will always stay
through the winds of change.

that's it for now.

good thinkin

2009-10-01T14:28:00.002-06:00

so....i've been remodeling my cyber home. aka this lovely page. and as i've been remodeling i've been feeling like it needs a new title. something more unique. more original. more personal. so i start asking around for ideas. they are all so wonderful i feel like they must all be shared:

confessions of a keebler elf.
head shark nebula.
flabby face flaps.
along the lines of neck meat.
camodo dragon.
what do you know about the leafy bug?
a love affair with dr. pepper.
what cereal are you?
freckle juice.
i got worms.
krazy glue.
very nearly arrested

for the sake of your funny bone and mine, i hope there are more ideas soon. and i hope i can come to a decision someday. :) and while we are making lists here follows my october resolutions:

receive my cosmetology license and get a job
make my sweet halloween costume
go all 31 days without a sad/stupid cry.
write a haiku daily.
visit logan.
finish the baby maker.
spend more time with the people i love.
run more.
go to the happiest place on earth.
and while i'm at disneyland..see logan and camille on their honeymoon. ;)
start a yoga class with sj.
have an awesome halloween recital/party with my students.
put more time and thought into my prayers/daily scripture study/temple attendance.
host a radical murder mystery party.
carve a pumpkin or two.
learn how to cook better.
eat some pumpkin pie.
keep my life more organized.
serve a little more.
get more sleep and drink more water.
get my acne to clear up.
laugh.

i love quincy. so much.

2009-09-13T21:09:00.000-06:00

okay. so i over hear this conversation today.

quincy: can you just call me bob?
mom: what?!
quincy: i was upstairs. i came upon daddy reading his scriptures. and then...i let out the big secret. i'm really a man!
mom: and you want me to call you bob?
quincy: yeah. storey said she almost called me rob one time.

a few minutes later....

dad: why don't you have a shirt on quincy?
quincy: i just feel like being a man for a minute...

hahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

oh dear....

i don't want to be lenny anymore. can i just be cailie now?

2009-08-31T00:20:00.003-06:00

anyone who knows me, knows that i love music. sometimes love becomes a need. i need it. it need it like i need water. food. my favorite fuzzy blanket, a hug, and a joke when i'm sad. the next thing i love that much is poetry. words. words that flow together like a melody. the harmony to the music i love so much. i'm kind of like a little kid. when i find a song i like i can listen to it over and over till it's so ingrained in my mind it's never leaving. so as i'm experiencing life....lyrics will randomly pop in my head. i'm probably sounding like a kook...but maybe some of you know what i mean. well....when i was jr high i had these sweet live john mayer cds that i listened to over and over and over. i guess i still have them and listen to them quite frequently :) but one of my very favorite john mayer songs to this day is lenny/man on the side. i remember the first time i heard it i was like....dang...that is so sad...dang that is my life....dang i love that! lyrics:

Six numbers one more to dial
Before I'm before you
And I tried to call-been busy all night
Gave up waiting at daylight

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me

Ooooo I am the man on the side
Hopin' you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

One of the many
One of the few
To stand back and wait for you

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
If you wanted me

Ooooo I am the man on the side
Hopin' you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side

I fell in love with a dream that I built of you
Playin' the part of the queen
Taking my own advice
I'm giving up tonight good luck to you
and the king

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
If you wanted me

I am the man on the side
Hopin' you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man
You know life as the man
Livin' life as the man on the side

so basically over the last...i don't know...7 years of my life since i first heard that song it pops into my mind in all those insecure moments where i feel like i'm not enough and i just want to curl up and die. those moments when life makes me the man on the side and i just can't take it. i thought of it the day the boy who sat across from me in my jr. high art class told me i was so ugly i'd look better as a boy than a girl, and then i went home, looked in the mirror, and cried. i thought of it when i didn't get asked to homecoming or anything really. i thought of it when my best friend called me to tell me he had a girlfriend and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. and then i thought of it more than i wanted to over the next year while he showed me that he'd meant what he said. i thought of it when the person who had been my beacon of hope over those long months where i was starting over up and left with no explanation. i thought of it when the only person who i felt cared was hundreds of miles away and could only communicate through letters.and then i thought of it when he finally came home and i realized it was all just a joke. i thought it when i didn't get into the college i'd planned on going to and then i spent my whole first semester in bed with mono and no life. i thought of it when i moved away and was ditched by the one person i knew. i thought of it when i failed my juries after i'd worked harder than i ever thought i could. and then i thought of it when i sat alone cried for more hours than i ever had in my life. i thought of it when i tromped through a good foot of slush up a hill with wind that was so freezing it would make my legs go totally numb through my jeans and it would burn my face every freaking day. and then i'd do it again..all the way back down every night. i thought of it when, after all of that, i couldn't even use my right hand for two months. and then i thought of it when i had to decide to give up on everything i had been working toward for years. i thought of that when i found out i'd been lied to by the person i'd started to plan out the rest of my life with. it thought of that when i packed up my car and drove the 2 hours home crying the whole way. i thought of that when i worked my butt off for 3 years and walked away with nothing. i thought of it with every loser i've had the privilege of attempting to date over the last year. and i've thought of it when my family reminds me on a regular basis of how funny it would be if i'd make a calendar with each of their pictures included...because we all know there's one for each month. i thought of it when i was told, not once, but twice that it wasn't me it was just a "funny feeling" that the timing was probably off...but magically it was dead on with the next girl that walked by. i remembered it when i grew to love someone as a best friend and then they woke up one day and left without a word. i remembered it when my heart was broken for maybe the second real time in my life...the kind that doesn't fix , then i totaled my car, i had people i trusted spread nasty rumors about me because they didn't take the time to find out what was really going on, i had food poisoning so bad i was literally spewing from both ends for 24 hours straight and my grandpa passed away....all within one week. i thought of it when my best friend left for brazil without saying goodbye. and i've thought about it while i've sat alone and cried and wished i could just give him a hug and have him tell me that it's really going to be okay. i thought of it when i was misunderstood or judged by people who don't really know me but pretended they did. i thought of it as i watch all of my best friends fall in love with people who actually love them back and i've had to step back and realize what i have is a joke. i thought of it as i've looked at my phone and all i see is the time every day over the last three weeks...and as i've cried and wondered how i could really mean nothing to someone who could tell me they loved me. i thought of it tonight when i was called a "molly" and ignored by someone i was starting to trust...where my trust is like a wreck with no survivors, as it is. i thought of it everytime i've trusted and then been let down. i think of it evertime i feel fat, stupid, ugly, insecure. i think of it everytime i regret stupid choices and things i can't change. lets just say it's become my best friend. and i'm tired of dialing the six numbers of my life and getting the feeling of that insecure relationship situation where you're hopes are up...they mean the world to you...this might be your chance... finally....and then you're let down again. i'm tired remembering what it was like to be happy instead of being there in real life. or pretending it with the hope that maybe it will be real if i pretend it long enough. getting up with the hope of not getting knocked down quite so soon and being positive is getting harder every time. but.....part of why i love this song so much: in the love version the last time he says
"Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me..." and normally at that point he would repeat "if you wanted me" well in the live version he says "wait...when you're wanting me..." i LOVE that. haha. it's so defiant. he's like hey...wait a minute...i know i'm the man on the side and all. but you're going to want me. because i'm sexy and funny and real and so much more than all these gaywads you're wasting your time on. and you're going to realize it...and lets just hope you can fix it and i'm gonna still want you back. well...life...no more lenny. no more man on the side who keeps getting rejected and pushed down. over the last couple of weeks i've stopped in my tracks...i've had my wait... moment. and now i'm establishing the when part. there's no question..no if....if was earlier. if was when i still needed to learn how to cry....well i've got that part down. and it's time for when. so lets see what you've got..

family dinner....

2009-08-23T14:11:00.003-06:00

while the dinner was still being prepared and we were all hanging around the kitchen waiting anxiously this was the highlight of the pre-dinner conversation.

mom: "what can i use to thicken this gravy?"
dad:"add some corn starch."
nolle: "don't you put corn starch on your butt if it's itchy?"
family: busting up.
mom: "well i guess it would absorb some of the moisture."
everyone: ...so gross...yuck...
nolle: "i swear someone told me that once."
moral of the story: maybe nolle has something going on with her butt that we didn't know about...

everyone who's had a real thanksgiving knows what cranberry sauce looks like....how it keeps the shape of the can so nicely...a big, maroon, wiggly blob. well, while dishing up i had one of my quincy moments of the day...
me: dishing up cranberry sauce to go with my stuffing and turkey.
quincy: watching me with a completely somber expression on her face "i don't think that worm is very happy.
me: "what?!"
quincy: "you know that worm in that bowl...you just started slicing his skin off like that..."
hahahaha.
later on in dinner she told us he had three eyes but we ate them.

the next quincy moment of the day:
note: storey got upset and left the dinner table right as everyone was sitting down to eat.
quincy: "i hope big dude comes for dinner tonight."
me/nolle: "who the heck is big dude?"
quincy: "big dude is so cool. my best friend.."blah blah blah she keeps going on and on about big dude without ever explaining who he is.
me/nolle/aubree: mumble mumble...who could she be talking about?...kylan...?
storey: walks in the room
quincy: jumping up and down on her chair/freaking out."big dude!!!!!"
me/nolle: busting up.
note: for any of you who know little storey, you will know why this is so funny.
dad: "yeah...that's what she calls her...."

other dinner quotes of the day:

mom: "i hope all of you make time in your schedules for our;' come to Jesus' meeting tonight..."
quincy/storey: "Jesus is coming tonight?!"
dad: making one of his crazy faces "yeah he's coming to our house tonight!...."
nolle: "is that what catholic people are doing when they go in those little boxes...coming to Jesus?"
me: "they're confessing their sins to the preists...but yeah it's like they're confessing to Jesus because that's really who they're repenting to."
mom: "yeah sometimes i think that would be easier...going inside a curtained box instead of looking your bishop in the eye... 'then he stuck his hands in my pants...' so embarrassing..."
family: "ugh! stop...too far...you didn't need to say that...."

dad: "man i love cranberry sauce so much i could eat it like jello!"
nolle/me: "that's just gross..."
quincy: "poor worm...."

hahahaha.
oh how i love my family. :)

please don't ever grow up.

2009-08-20T10:56:00.003-06:00

nolle: what is that bad smell?
quincy: not me! i had gas like 2 minutes ago!!
me: hahahahaha!

quincy started kindergarten yesterday. i wasn't there to see her. but i still cried. if i had one wish today i would freeze time for just a minute so i'd never forget her adorable little five year old self....

advice

2009-05-18T22:59:00.003-06:00

we are obviously here to teach each other something....here is a little bit of what i have learned from the people i love:

LOVE. don't forget to show those who deserve it that you mean it; every single day. show it to everyone you can, every day. we all need to be loved, dang it.
Laugh your head off all the freaking time. life is too funny not to.
"live your life so that people who know you, but don't know Him, will want to know Him because they know you."
prioritize.
enjoy the journey. you will miss it later regardless of what it's like along the way.
"you never need to feel intimidated...we all use the toilet the same way!"
"you can't have confidence/patience/charity until you practice confidence/patience/charity so much that they become a part of you. at first it will feel awkward and difficult. but if you are persistent, those attributes develop. it's like grafting branches onto an olive tree. at first the tress is like "wtf?! those aren't mine..." then after awhile it's like 'yeah, i dig these branches.' but unless you really want it, you won't get it."
"if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you it is yours. if it doesn't, it never was."
"if you have an itch, scratch."
"hearts ache that love may be love"
some pursue happiness; others create it."

more to come...i'm tired. :)

memories

2009-05-08T00:42:00.004-06:00

when i was 13 years old, barely entering the most awkward time of my life...the time when my character would form...when i would figure out who i want to be and what i'm going to do with that, i met my best friend. i honestly don't think there is another human being who has influenced me or changed my life more. now, close to 8 years later i went and visited his family, saw pictures of him as a missionary, and reminisced on all of the memories we all share. it's weird the way things connect in life. the way our memories can affect so many of our emotions. the way a memory can be so real sometimes, so heart-wrenching, so funny. it's crazy the way we thrive off of these so called memories; sometimes they can occupy someone's entire mind and heart. sometimes you can miss those times and those places so strongly and deeply it's hard to live the present. here is a taste of what i'm missing so much i'm in tears right now: i miss talking on the phone for hours about nothing. i miss the carpool lane dance. i miss being chased through wal-mart with a baseball bat in josh's hand and a box on his head. i miss symphony rehearsals. i miss napping in the back of symphony rehearsals, behind the timpani, with josh's sweatshirt as my pillow. i miss simba/cat of the day. i miss josh's weird hand gestures that are soooo him. i miss the crazy hip dance. i miss the way josh could understand me, no matter what, no matter how ridiculous, no matter how mad i made him to begin with. i miss hearing the violin. i miss late night del taco runs. i miss writing funny notes and letters to each other. i miss utah symphony concerts. i miss near death driving experiences that occured all too often. i miss listening to bob marley in the green van with the paint peeling off. i miss going to movies. i miss being so comfortable and so open that we would tell each other EVERYTHING. i miss watching seinfeld for hours. i miss being launched off the lovesac...literally. i miss playing duets. i miss the black man funk voice. i miss getting lost in san francisco. then getting lost late at night in germany. then getting lost on the subway in new york. you think we would've gotten it by then. i miss super dick and the poof. i miss that time we went down the alpine slide and josh almost killed a squirrel. i miss tacos del carbon. i almost even miss the tacos del carbon breath you have 3 days later no matter how much you brush. i miss the one and only time we went water skiing. i miss hearing about wakeboarding at bear lake. i miss waking up to a crazy haiku via text every morning. i miss having someone to vent to about boys that will give me genuinely hilarious responses in return and make it feel better even if it's just for awhile. i miss paintings of jars. i miss talking about bigfoot and plans to find him. i miss having someone around who knows more about dmitri shostikovich than i do. i miss veloci-raptor impressons. i miss getting texts that say things like "i was very nearly arrested..." and knowing they are the honest truth and i would probably be almost peeing my pants once i got the full story. i miss being made fun of for saying things like "scrame" instead of "screamed" i miss random ihop trips. i miss prom 50s style. i miss zupas and noodles. i miss knowing no matter what, through thick or thin, up or down, happy or sad, even if it takes a little while, there is someone who will give me a call and let me know that they genuinely love me and they really are there for me no matter what. and if i'm lucky he'll even leave a message...opera style. :)

oh to be five again....sigh.

2009-03-30T17:52:00.002-06:00

i wish i could be a kid again. i wish this on a daily basis. at this point in my life i have the privilege of living with the sassiest 5 year old on planet earth. this makes for at least one good laugh a day and lots of these childhood wishes. today i found myself home alone with her. i was teaching piano and then bumming around the house and she was following me around and complaining that it is "so hot outside everything is melting. look at chloe! i think her fur is burning off it's so hot outside!" chloe is the dog and if any of you know what it's like to have your "fur burn off" because of five minutes spent in 39 degrees...please let me know; i'm still trying to figure that one out. in case i've already lost you, she was sure that because the sun was shining it was "burning hot outside" and didn't want to go put a sweatshirt on like i had told her she needed to if she wanted to play outside. so following the chloe argument i told her no. her response, "you are just like mommy and daddy only meaner!!!" that sure is mean because i remember the day not too long ago that the same mommy i was being compared to heard "you're just like an ugly stepsister...only meaner!" does that make me and ugly stepsister times two? either way she was pretty angry with me. it's been about 10 minutes since then and she is now happily riding her scooter around the house and has completely forgiven me. it's good that she forgives me so easily because i'm pretty sure she's mad at me at least that often. my favorite insult she's given me would be "mean tuna." yes. i have been called that. On a lighter note...yesterday while sitting in church she leaned over and whispered to me "it's me...your best friend...waiting under your bed for you to wake up!" the scary thing is she really does that sometimes. i remember the day i went in my room after school, shut the door and started changing my clothes. quincy was in a pile of pillows and scared me so bad i nearly pooped my pants. i kid you not. "suprise!!! i've been waiting for you to come home for a long time!" nevermind that i was standing there in my underwear with shear panic spread across my poor face. "okay now for your outfit...this would be SO cute..." quincy is the fashion guru. all outfits need too many colors, pieces, and and excess of accessories. skulls included. just seeing her outfits alone would be enough. most of them include something with skulls and cross bones on it. :) more quincy fun to come. i'm out of time for now....

cat of the day...

2009-02-18T23:07:00.003-07:00

Kitty is truly one of a kind. She loves to chase laser pointers across the floor and is a good nurse to her family when they are sick. She loves to snuggle, keep watch over her home and has the cutest little meow that greatly resembles a sheep. Kitty is a very healthy eater and is quite the little model for photos. She loves to stick her tongue out and absolutely loves to spy on her fellow feline friends as well as her sweet family. Life without kitty would just be plain old sad. WE LOVE KITTY!

keep it loose, keep it tight.

2009-01-08T22:15:00.007-07:00

can i just say how much i love asian game shows? because i love them. with all of my heart. i laughed so hard i gave myself a serious ab workout. my tummy is still sore. here are some things for all of you to youtube:

human tetris (the third one down was very excellent)
japanese pac-man

binocular soccer

start with that. i'm sure i will have more for you soon.

i have started doing new things everyday. i did this for awhile last year (http://sunshineandbarefeet/) but i didn't follow through. so..for my new years resolution i have set a goal to do it everyday without fail for all of 2009. 9 is my number so this is my year. i know a lot of you think it's silly/ridiculous, but it is one way for me to live life to it's fullest. there is so much to enjoy that we all to often say no to. we form these little security bubbles of contentment. trust me contentment is good. but this is not a good kind of contentment i'm talking about. i am referring to the kind where we don't continue to learn..grow...laugh as much as we should. it's not easy to think outside the box, to try something new, to make a new friend, to eat somehting gross..etc. etc. when we grow up. remember when you were a kid for a minute. we ate glue for crying out loud! and we talked to everyone and played power rangers and enjoyed ourselves to the point of complete exhaustion. and it was all good, healthy fun. it was simple. i firmly believe to be simple is to be great. a family member told me there is no way i could do 365 new things without spending a fortune. negative! just enjoy the simle wonders in life and new things will come to you. so..anywho..i'm not going to blog this religiously. it think that's why i stopped last year. it got time consuming and i have no time. but i am keeping a neat little journal that all of you should see and various points over the course of the year. and i will update on here every once in awhile. upsidedowncailie is where i think and enjoy and new things are though provoking and enjoyable. so..new things thus far:

1/1: i climbed inside a freezer in wal-mart and met my friend austin in real life :)

1/2: i ate a giant bowl of soy beans and miso soup (and sushi-that part wasn't new..) at yapona. so delicious.

1/3: i watched human tetris. (and almost died laughing.)

1/4: i played a 2 man guitar song with austin.
1/5: i chewed a whole pack of gum at once.

1/6: i made a snowman with quincy (her name is frostyette)

1/7: i slept in a nest in the corner of my room.
1/8: i donated $1 to help save homeless pets and ate rice pudding. it was glorious!

1/9: i know this is like predicting the future..i will be having my 1/2 birthday fiesta! Yay! :)
(that's me witiha mustache and shsort hair.)

life lessons 2008

2008-12-29T16:14:00.003-07:00

another year has almost come and gone..here is a little bit of what i have to show for it:

all WE need is love!
there is a rainy day for every sunny so we'll never forget to love the sunny one's when they come around.
planet earth is full of a bunch of weirdos.
laughter heals the heart.
along with laughter, writing poetry and making music will heal the heart and feed the soul.
family=most important. always. always. always.
"where words fail, music speaks." -hans christian anderson
daydreaming about hawaii can make every bad day better.
clara schumann was pretty hardcore.
we are our hair.
fake it till you make it. that right there, as silly as it may sound, is the key to success.
it really is possible to draw super cool things on an etch a sketch.
90% of guys don't know how to treat a beautiful girl the way they should.
no matter how bad today seems, you will always find yourself missing it tomorrow.
"here comes the sun do do do do..and i say, it's alright..."
the beatles really are as awesome as we make them out to be.
if you love someone, let them know.
it's completely normal to get sunburned one day and wear snow boots the next when you live in logan, utah.
the only thing we can rely on in life is that it will always take us by surprise.
when worse comes to worst, wear stretchy pants.
jason mraz really is sexy and joshua radin really is sweet.
sightsinging testers really don't care about how awful your voice is, so stop being embarrassed for nothing.
speaking of being embarrassed..."we all use the toilet the same way."-scott bennett. there is no such thing as intimidating, inferiority, or embarrassment unless you willingly create it yourself.
"lice don't care if you're clean or dirty, they just want a warm place to live." -c.b.
if you don't love what you're doing, you should reconsider what you're doing.
what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger.
4 part writing is a lot like the game, "plinko."
live life with a purpose.
patience is a virtue and one we all need more of; especially me.
peace on earth starts with people who can actually be genuine.
I LOVE PLANET EARTH.
forgiveness is the strongest emotion.
if someone lets you down, give them a scond chance. if it happens again give them one more. again...walk away, for their sake more than your own.
being ignored hurts more than anything in the world.
sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts.
do not settle. do not cut yourself short of what you deserve.
seinfeld is the best tv show ever created. tied only with the office...depending on the day.
no test week is a big fat lie.
"never leave the one you love for the one you like, or the one you love will leave you for the one who loves them."
it's better to be single and lonely than to be with someone who makes you wish you were single.
failure and success are only a state of mind.
brian fellows and/or upsidedowndogs.com can cure any bad mood.
professors are just rude people who get a stupid title in order to make other people's lives miserable through huge amounts of unnecessary stress related to a letter grade that really doesn't mean much of anything in the end.
the regret of never knowing what could have been will always far surpass the initial fear of rejection or failure.
missionary letters are the best.
i seriously need to learn how to manage my money and get more sleep.
little kids rock.
i will always miss President Hinckley. so much.
life is short, and fragile; don't waste it.
when life gets hard, hold pinkeys.
haikus are my one and only true love.
the people that work at jamba juice like it when you're so poor you have to pay them with the spare change you scraped together because then they don't have to fill the cash drawer with change at the end of the day.
be there for the people who are there for you.
laugh so hard your tummy hurts as often as possible.
there is never anything so bad that getting down on your knees and asking for help won't fix.
peeing your pants really isn't the coolest.
nothing beats getting in your grubbies, turning one some reggae, and spending the evening painting.
there is a never ending supply of good music out there, and thank heavens for that!
love is freindship on fire.
every pot has it's lid.
if anyone has seen my lid, please point him in my direction. :)
it can always be worse, so appreciate what you have.
good local shows are the best.
never lose hope.

mama raptor...

2008-12-22T13:01:00.005-07:00

so...i'd like to dedicate this blog entry to the one person outside of my immediate family that i honestly could not live without.. cortni "mama raptor" crump was born on december 2, 1988. for those of you who know her i know you can say amen to everything i am about to say. for those of you who don't, you should really get to know her; that's all i have to say. because i love to make lists following is a list of why cortni is my best friend, and why i, along with so many, love her so very much :)

she is a redhead. naturally. and gorgeous at that.

she has helped me to thoroughly understand what the word creepo means, how to use it appropriatley and how to justly allot creepo points to deserving individuals.

she is an AMAZING musician.

her first pet was a rat. as was mine. :)

she collects tattoos from $.50 machines.

she is honestly the most Christlike person i have ever met. i have never heard one unkind or negative thing about another person come out of her mouth in all the time i've known her; and everywhere we go she is always going out of her way to help other people and make them feel loved.

she has played a steinway.. butt naked.

haikus.

she has the class of one who wears a mink hat.

she has introduced the world to the wonders of raptor life...

she goes for days at a time without showering, as do i, and does not smell or look it..can't say that part for myself though... ;)

one time she let me put dreads in her hair. they were HOT.

she loves clouds. i'd never really paid them much attention until we became friends. then every day she would look at the sky and say "look how beautiful those clouds are!" so i started noticing...they really are beautiful...and so unrecognized for their beauty...

along with the clouds i have never met someone who is so aware of all of the little details of life..who takes the time to soak in the beauty of each piece of nature and experience she comes across.

she can lay in a lovesac, watching seinfeld and laughing with me for hours on end and not get bored.

she understands why the thumb is the culprit of the grippy...and why that is so incredibly funny.

she dictates chord progressions and melodies while we sit at local shows.

speaking of local shows, she appreciates/loves them. the good ones at least.

she would wear a knitted hat with ear flaps down to her hips and love every minute of it.

she couch surfs.

she loves asians as much, if not more, than i.

she laughs at those parts in movies that 90% of the world stays silent for.

love/hate boots.

she is smart enough to be clever. and she does it well.

i can call her up, anytime, anywhere, and ask her to do anything...and she will join me with 100% enthusiasm.

she snake laughs. naturally.

she has been doing one new thing every single day and recording it since january 1st 2008. and she has been including everyone she can in the the beautiful madness. check out themysteriouspickle.blogspot.com

you will never find someone with better taste in music.

i have never seen her yell or lose her temper in any way. ever.

she is reliable. there has never been a time where i've been in need and she hasn't been there. and i daresay there isn't a person in her life that can't say the same..

my list could go on forever. but i am off work. :) as you can see... i sure do love this girl. :) :)

2008-12-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

facts of life..

2008-11-14T22:43:00.007-07:00

so..there are things in life that just are. no if's. no buts. just are. you know what i mean. here are a few of them:

people pee in the shower and pick their noses while they drive. it's just plain old human nature. we all do it, whether we're too proud to admit it or not, so stop trying to deny it. it's not bad as long as you keep tissues in your car. plus pee is sterile and can help prevent/kill athletes foot..as well as many other things i'm sure. so just be a human and do human things.
the statues at utah state are weird. but we all love them anyway.

we all want what we can't have.

whether you want to believe it or not there is a least one person who is completely mezmerized by you..who is thinking about you..day dreaming about you even..and would do anything to be with you.

hobos get away with more than the average joe..because we feel bad for them. i.e. i've always wanted to steal a shopping cart. just something nice to have..for the heck of it..just in case. but i know i could never get away with it. so i am still shoppingcart-less. hobos on the other hand, generally always pack their crap around in these stolen shopping carts; and no one says a word..

"hearts ache that love may be love." -mark allsop

jason mraz is dang sexy when he dances. especially while singing.

hellen keller jokes are hilarious. you try to feel bad..but there's no way to help yourself from going into hysteria for just a minute when you hear one.. "hellen keller fell in a hole..she screamed for help until her hands hurt..."

"some pursue happiness; others create it." -vince hernandez

kissing in the rain is awsome.

facebook stalking. need i say more.

girls don't fart. ;)

as far as women are concerned..red heads were voted the least sexy of all hair colors i guess we can say. followed by blondes and then by brunettes. but there is honestly nothing like a beautiful redhead..and i challenge any guy who would like to convince me otherwise. and i do not say that only because i am one. :)

audrey hepburn is gorgeous..and those of us who don't wish we could be hers.. simply wish we were her. (she had a pet deer.)

gorillas are by far the moodiest of all the animals in the animal kingdom. spend a little more time at the zoo if you don't believe me.

i'm too tired to finish this. i'll list some more tomorrow. goodnight. :)

p.s. current addictions: good music. hot dogs. downloading sheet music. tennis shoes with holey jeans, messy hair, and glasses. laughing.

:) :) :)

i love sunday.

2008-11-09T20:45:00.005-07:00

life is good. lots of fun things been going down. lots of relaxing. so nice. i fianlly have clean clothes :) and i started showering again. ha. i ended the utter and complete laziness i was living. so...i went the body world's exhibit in salt lake yesterday. freaking sweet. my favorite part was all the little fetuses. 5 weeks all the way to 9 months. they were SO cute. it made me excited to have a baby someday. this is me blowing a bubble at the exhibit. and me being a lazy bum. literally for days straight. photos courtesy of robbie west...aka my big brother :)

and for today...i practiced the cello and guitar. way long. my fingers hurt. so bad. but it's totally worth it. :)

here are some other random pictures from halloween. carrie is an amazing photographer.

november..at last...

2008-11-02T16:52:00.004-07:00

soo...stories on my chance celebrity meetings :) tuesday cortni, kate and i went to the jason mraz concert. it was sweeeeeeeeet! no we didn't get to meet him. but we were dang close to the stage he was performing his sexy little songs and dances. :) as for joshua radin.. the whole thing was crazy and spontaneous to begin with...but i did end up meeting him. he is SO cute. mmm..i wanted to just squeeze his little face! ;) i didn't have paper so i had him sign my credit sheet for school that happened to be in my bag. haha. then when aubree and i realized that they were selling shirts right next to us we grabbed some of those and had him sign those too. and...in the midst of all of this i ran into my dear friend tyler urrutia..who was right there with me the whole time..and when i found one of my $2 off coupons for school with my name and hours on it in my pocket at just the right moment, it was tyler nudging me and telling me "give it to him cailie..come on..you know you want to.." so i did and mumbled something about "here's this so you can have $2 off the most amazing haircut of your life.." and of course there's tyler yelling in the background "she really just wants you to write a song about her!" haha. he just chuckled and made a weird face and tucked it into his pocket. so..maybe one day joshua radin will come in for his haircut...and he'll fall madly in love with me..and write me songs that take my breath away..along with everything female that breathes...sigh...

that all went down tuesday and wednesday. i honestly don't remember thursday..except for looking forward to not working and cleaning my room when i got home. silly as that sounds, it was way nice. i also laughed my head off with my bff's at school and some candy corn :) that was nice. :) :)

friday..good old halloween. pretty low key, but still a genuinely awesome halloween. words can't really describe it so..pictures to be included.

yesterday..saturday..went to the dollar movie with sj...mamma mia..probably in the top ten weirdest movies i've ever seen. anyone who knows me could identify the confused crusty look i make when something weird is happening or i'm annoyed/confused...if you know me this face is popping up in your mind right now :) yeah..i think i was making that face the entire movie. i wasn't sure if it was supposed to be one of those stupid comedies or if it was for real. all i can say is i would only watch it again for one part: somewhere in the middle all these guys pop up and burst into song while marching down a pier with flippers on their feet. it was so absurd. i laughed for a good 5 minutes straight.

and for today..i made a playlist for my blog..and..i can't get it to work. maybe tomorrow..and i'll probably paint for awhile-its' been way to long-and.. call my dear friend robbie in a minute and see if he's still going to stop by. i could use a hug.. speaking of hugs..there are a few people i'd like to thank for their genuine and endless love and support:

my family: mom, dad, aubree, nolle, storey and quincy
cortni crump
robbie west
charli buck
sjandi vanwagenen
valeri selvey
ali snooks
lisa george
alisha freestone
roman young (and elder nate young :)
mckenna seegrist

i seriously owe you guys. each and every one of you. you have all made me laugh, listened to me for hours on end, you've seen me in my weakest moments..and loved me anyway.

and...in the works of alisha.."november is going to be a good month.." here we go november 2008..let's see what you've got :)

completely mrazmerized and just a little twitterpated over mr. radin...

2008-10-30T00:19:00.002-06:00

yes..in the last 24 hours i have seen both jason mraz and joshua radin. yes this is for real. yes i really met joshua...yes that is why i look like a crazed maniac in this picture. yes i'm still pinching myself. and yes stories, more photos, videos and much more to come when it's not passed 12 in the morning!

p.s. no i am definitely not kidding.

asian love :)

2008-10-27T22:23:00.002-06:00

i am not racist. not one ounce of my being is racist in any way. just throwing that out there to clarify everything. i am absolutely fascinated by all other races..especially asians. and, over the years, my fascination has grown to love. today at school my only client was a 3 year old little girl named grace..she was asian. and completely adorable. we had a blast trimming her little straight across bangs that suited her perfectly...

haiku(s) of the day:

little asian bangs.
you are so adorable..
don't stick out your tongue!!!

crap! get a napkin,
wipe the hair off of her tongue;
for the love hold still!

and please close your eyes.
this is harder than it looks.
kids: so curious. :)

current addiction: endorphins!!! aka i love exercising. :) :)
quote of the day: "among those i who i like or admire i can find no common denominator, but among those whom i love, i can: all of them make me laugh." W. H. Auden
on that note...here's my joke of the day: what is a mummy's favorite kind of music?...wrap! hahahaha! :)

p.s. who cares how much a woodchuck can chuck...are woodchucks even real?

intro

2008-10-26T21:47:00.000-06:00

so...here we go..
i recently hit the absolute end of my rope. the very end. where, if it weren't for many things beyond my own strength, i wouldn't have been able to hang on any longer. we all hit these points in life; so we all understand how much the smallest, most insignificant things can make all the difference and, ultimately change our lives. as i sat, 100% bummed out and hating life, i was with someone i love with all of my heart who decided to show me something to cheer me up. upsidedowndogs.com if you haven't seen it you really should. it made me laugh good and hard, till i was crying and basically peeing my pants. it was EXACTLY what i needed most. it didn't fix everything..didn't make everything better; but it made that moment, that day even, bareable. i understand that everyday won't need to be "bareable." some will be awesome. some good. some peaceful. whatever it may be.. but the must all be positive..a success..something i can look back on with fondness..as cheesy as it sounds. i am the kind of person that is always too eager for tomorrow..but then when i finally get there i find my self longing to go back to yesterday. the trick is to be content with the present. so...after all this thinking i have decided to record things on this blog. everything really...haikus, quotes, my quirky, random thoughts.. but the core of it will be something that i find, see, do, etc. etc. every single day that makes my heart happy. it started with upsidedowndogs.com last friday afternoon. followed by feeding my favorite ducks at first dam in logan, ut. & a crazy photo shoot. and today..i carved pumpkins with my sweet family & started this radical blog. :)