i don't want to be lenny anymore. can i just be cailie now?

anyone who knows me, knows that i love music. sometimes love becomes a need. i need it. it need it like i need water. food. my favorite fuzzy blanket, a hug, and a joke when i'm sad. the next thing i love that much is poetry. words. words that flow together like a melody. the harmony to the music i love so much. i'm kind of like a little kid. when i find a song i like i can listen to it over and over till it's so ingrained in my mind it's never leaving. so as i'm experiencing life....lyrics will randomly pop in my head. i'm probably sounding like a kook...but maybe some of you know what i mean. well....when i was jr high i had these sweet live john mayer cds that i listened to over and over and over. i guess i still have them and listen to them quite frequently :) but one of my very favorite john mayer songs to this day is lenny/man on the side. i remember the first time i heard it i was like....dang...that is so sad...dang that is my life....dang i love that! lyrics:

Six numbers one more to dial
Before I'm before you
And I tried to call-been busy all night
Gave up waiting at daylight

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me

Ooooo I am the man on the side
Hopin' you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

One of the many
One of the few
To stand back and wait for you

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
If you wanted me

Ooooo I am the man on the side
Hopin' you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side

I fell in love with a dream that I built of you
Playin' the part of the queen
Taking my own advice
I'm giving up tonight good luck to you
and the king

Excuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
If you wanted me

I am the man on the side
Hopin' you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man
You know life as the man
Livin' life as the man on the side

so basically over the last...i don't know...7 years of my life since i first heard that song it pops into my mind in all those insecure moments where i feel like i'm not enough and i just want to curl up and die. those moments when life makes me the man on the side and i just can't take it. i thought of it the day the boy who sat across from me in my jr. high art class told me i was so ugly i'd look better as a boy than a girl, and then i went home, looked in the mirror, and cried. i thought of it when i didn't get asked to homecoming or anything really. i thought of it when my best friend called me to tell me he had a girlfriend and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. and then i thought of it more than i wanted to over the next year while he showed me that he'd meant what he said. i thought of it when the person who had been my beacon of hope over those long months where i was starting over up and left with no explanation. i thought of it when the only person who i felt cared was hundreds of miles away and could only communicate through letters.and then i thought of it when he finally came home and i realized it was all just a joke. i thought it when i didn't get into the college i'd planned on going to and then i spent my whole first semester in bed with mono and no life. i thought of it when i moved away and was ditched by the one person i knew. i thought of it when i failed my juries after i'd worked harder than i ever thought i could. and then i thought of it when i sat alone cried for more hours than i ever had in my life. i thought of it when i tromped through a good foot of slush up a hill with wind that was so freezing it would make my legs go totally numb through my jeans and it would burn my face every freaking day. and then i'd do it again..all the way back down every night. i thought of it when, after all of that, i couldn't even use my right hand for two months. and then i thought of it when i had to decide to give up on everything i had been working toward for years. i thought of that when i found out i'd been lied to by the person i'd started to plan out the rest of my life with. it thought of that when i packed up my car and drove the 2 hours home crying the whole way. i thought of that when i worked my butt off for 3 years and walked away with nothing. i thought of it with every loser i've had the privilege of attempting to date over the last year. and i've thought of it when my family reminds me on a regular basis of how funny it would be if i'd make a calendar with each of their pictures included...because we all know there's one for each month. i thought of it when i was told, not once, but twice that it wasn't me it was just a "funny feeling" that the timing was probably off...but magically it was dead on with the next girl that walked by. i remembered it when i grew to love someone as a best friend and then they woke up one day and left without a word. i remembered it when my heart was broken for maybe the second real time in my life...the kind that doesn't fix , then i totaled my car, i had people i trusted spread nasty rumors about me because they didn't take the time to find out what was really going on, i had food poisoning so bad i was literally spewing from both ends for 24 hours straight and my grandpa passed away....all within one week. i thought of it when my best friend left for brazil without saying goodbye. and i've thought about it while i've sat alone and cried and wished i could just give him a hug and have him tell me that it's really going to be okay. i thought of it when i was misunderstood or judged by people who don't really know me but pretended they did. i thought of it as i watch all of my best friends fall in love with people who actually love them back and i've had to step back and realize what i have is a joke. i thought of it as i've looked at my phone and all i see is the time every day over the last three weeks...and as i've cried and wondered how i could really mean nothing to someone who could tell me they loved me. i thought of it tonight when i was called a "molly" and ignored by someone i was starting to trust...where my trust is like a wreck with no survivors, as it is. i thought of it everytime i've trusted and then been let down. i think of it evertime i feel fat, stupid, ugly, insecure. i think of it everytime i regret stupid choices and things i can't change. lets just say it's become my best friend. and i'm tired of dialing the six numbers of my life and getting the feeling of that insecure relationship situation where you're hopes are up...they mean the world to you...this might be your chance... finally....and then you're let down again. i'm tired remembering what it was like to be happy instead of being there in real life. or pretending it with the hope that maybe it will be real if i pretend it long enough. getting up with the hope of not getting knocked down quite so soon and being positive is getting harder every time. but.....part of why i love this song so much: in the love version the last time he says
"Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me..." and normally at that point he would repeat "if you wanted me" well in the live version he says "wait...when you're wanting me..." i LOVE that. haha. it's so defiant. he's like hey...wait a minute...i know i'm the man on the side and all. but you're going to want me. because i'm sexy and funny and real and so much more than all these gaywads you're wasting your time on. and you're going to realize it...and lets just hope you can fix it and i'm gonna still want you back. well...life...no more lenny. no more man on the side who keeps getting rejected and pushed down. over the last couple of weeks i've stopped in my tracks...i've had my wait... moment. and now i'm establishing the when part. there's no question..no if....if was earlier. if was when i still needed to learn how to cry....well i've got that part down. and it's time for when. so lets see what you've got..