poop gone right.

you know those times in life when you just feel like a big old bag of dirt?

nothing is going your way. it's like one crummy day after the next after the next. the bag of dirt days just keep on coming and coming. and each time you get back up,

you just get pushed down again.

i've been living those days. i've lived them before and i've gotten through them. it's just a different kind of dirt consuming me each time. and with each bag of dirt phase i find new obstacles. obstacles that i question i will ever be able to overcome.

it was in the midst of all the dirt, full of worms and too many minerals, probably some cow feces too that i found myself visiting my friend. the friend who i have always considered the dearest. during this visit we start watching funny youtube videos. because that's what you do when you're a nerd. you watch nerd videos on youtube and you laugh till you almost pee your pants. (and sometimes you even pee a little.) all of the sudden he shouts out "you've gotta watch this video! it's about a cat lady!" i immediately know i've seen it already. and i immediately start giving myself an internal pep talk so i won't turn into a baby partway through the video because what normally wouldn't phase me is enough to bring up instant tears right now. it's too much exposure to all the worms in this dirt. inside my head i'm thinking "self. it's okay. you will not die alone with your cat(s). you are not a failure. it doesn't matter that you haven't showered for way too long and you're sitting here in a beanie and your grubbiest sweats and the person who is supposed to love you the most is making you watch videos about crazy girls who love cats too much because it reminds him of YOU. it's okay self...it's okay..." so we get through the video. i pretend i think it's funny. cause it kind of is. when you're intoxicated from either substance or lack of sleep. maybe it's semi funny if you're in the best mood of your life. maybe. then he looks at me and says "i've been thinking you should sign up for an eharmony account! it might be really great for you! you could find someone who loves cats just like you!!!" that's it. that hit just the right spot. or should i say wrong spot. i pretend to be mildly amused. really i was dying inside just a little. really? at 23 years old i have sunken to that? so i've dropped out of college. so i work way too much. so i'm single. so i like cats. and other animals too. so sue me!

needless to say, i went home, curled up with my cat, shed a tear or two, and watched an episode of one of my nerd shows. a day or so goes by of this frustration. just more dirt and more worms. and just enough sighs to get by.

the next morning i wake up. i'm perfectly sore from my first run in way too long. that sore when it's not so excrutiating you can't even move, but when you first wake up you can feel it as you begin to stretch out. "oh yeah....i did my body some good yesterday. i will still be able to function today!...hopefully..." and as i stretch i begin to think. ENOUGH DIRT! i am tired of all of this. of all these feelings of failure. of not being content. or happy. of cat comments. eharmony suggestions. of all of it. I AM IN CHARGE HERE. and so i get out of my bed feeling renewed. nothing is going to stop me....

and then i get up and i step in poop.

something has recently pooped on my floor and i say recent because it smells and feels nice and fresh and it's squished ALL over my foot. as it all sinks in my eyes start to fill with tears. my lip quivers for a second. this is the point where normally i would just slump to the ground with my back against the closest wall and my poop covered foot just sitting there and then i would sob. but something clicks in my crazy little brain. nothing is going to stop me. i've been giving myself these mini pep talks for weeks now. constantly reminding myself that it will be okay. that i can accomplish anything if i want it badly enough. and in this moment, my eyes still full of tears, my hair in a fuzzy asian bun, nastiest sweats, no bra, full fledged morning time scary, feeling more vulnerable than ever, and with my foot covered in something's poop all the rage of the world feels my tiny being and i yell "IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN A TURD TO STOP ME!!!!" i was even shaking my fist in the air. all animals and humans within view/ear shot were probably scared for their lives. i would've been. i've seen my reflection in the morning when i'm not feeling all kinds of fury and determination like i've never felt before and i was afraid.

nothing will stop me.

i've been pushed down one too many times. i've been stopped. dumped. rejected i've let myself feel inferior time and again. and this time i've had enough. i'm ready to take charge. no more bags of dirt. okay, so i totally anticipate that every so often i will have a bag of dirt day. but no more bag of dirt phases. no more. not again. and no more worms and unwanted minerals and things that keep me down in all this dirt. no more. it's time for something new. something better. something less dirty. (get it? ha.)

this awkward little nerd is ready. and i've got an army of cats to back me up....i sure hope the world is ready for us.

by the way, both my foot and the carpet were sanitized. for anyone who reads this and then comes to my house: you don't have to be afraid to take off your shoes. i also have most definitely NOT set up any online dating accounts. nor will i ever. no matter what anyone says.

and one last thing: some days you just need to wear a fishtail braid. it's good for your soul.

ce♥

sunday night blues.

every week this strange thing happens:

after all the work is done. clothes are washed and put away. bed is made. adventures have been had. enlightenment is complete. nap time is over. dinner is done. and dessert is too.

that's when it happens.
that's when you start feeling the blues.

those sunday night blues. they leave you shuffling around your house in your slippers and sweats. eating things you don't even like. wallowing around in the bewilderment of boredom.

you've napped so long you aren't even tired, but the minute you pick up a book you're ready to nap some more. for fear of not being able to sleep when it's time to sleep and being a zombie at work the next morning you just avoid books all together. so you browse netfilx. although you've spent a half hour browsing, nothing is worth a half hour of your time. so you turn to more shuffling and more munching.

and as you shuffle and munch and plop your bored self down on your bed you start thinking too much. about all those things that make you so blue. the things you avoid thinking about all busy week long. so you munch some more in hopes to feel a little bit better. and then in the depths of your blues you start to find something within yourself...

a spark. that feeling when you have had enough. when determination is born. you'll show all those people who make you so blue. you'll even show the whole box of oreos and the entire bag of salt & vinegar chips you just consumed. and you get some kind of strange idea...

these ideas aren't the same ideas as normal days. it's sunday night. you're still semi-sleepy. in recoup mode. it's different. you are going to leave your house to climb everest for pete's sake. within the comfort of your own little space, be it a home, a room, or a little card board shack something great will happen. not the great that people think of initally. the great where simplicity and creativity make love and give you a moment of true contentment; a genuine breath of fresh air.

and the funny thing is, when it's all said and done, you start to look back and those sunday night blues are some of the few moments you hang onto long after they're gone. i can't remember what i've done on the majority of holidays past. i can't even remember most of my birthday celebrations. but i promise you with all of my heart that i can remember nearly all of my sunday blues turned sunny.

lets be honest guys, it doesn't get much better than too many solitare games with your favorite deck of coke themed cards on your bedroom floor, more mexi-cokes than you'd like to admit to, and louis armstrong to keep you company... now does it?

ce♥

defined.

fresh (adj.):
1. recently made, produced, or harvested.
2. imparting vitality and energy.
3. with restored energy.





familiar (noun):
1. having mutual interests or affections; of established friendship.





quirk (noun):
1. a strange attitude or habit.






endearing (adj.):
1. lovable especially in a childlike or naive way.





gumption (noun):
1. sound pratical judgement.
2. fortitude and determination.





sencerity (noun):
1. an earnest & sincere feeling.
2. the quality of being open and truthful; not deceitful or hypocritical.
3. a quality of naturalness.





soulful (adj.):
1.full of or expressing deep emotion.





naturally (adverb):
1. as might be expected.
2. according to nature; by natural means; without artifical help.
3. through ingerent nature.





relief (noun):
1. a pause for relaxation.
2. a change for the better.




ce♥

ratty love.

once there was a rat.
a little rat.

with little teeth.
ratty teeth with all the right kinds of space.
8 year old space.

this little rat had some sass.
enough sass to go around.
and around and around and around.

there's only one thing that could compete with that ratty's sass:

ratty imagination.

thinking, creating, planning, inventing, schemeing.
until that little rat gets all pooped out.

then she sleeps with those little paws tucked right under

her little ratty head.

and then she'll wake up and do it again.

she'll shower the world with her ratty sass,
and a some clever ratty love.

ce♥

you want a little pick-me up, eh? well...here you go..

once upon a time my sweet family moved into a little old house in orem utah. it was a hard change. together we carried out the ultimate home remodeling project. every time we thought it couldn't get worse, it did. but we lived through it, becoming better and stronger people with a beautiful home to life in. most of the house had been all fixed up but when last winter christmas came and we got busy and some of the projects were left undone. then my dad lost his job and they continued to be left undone. one of those projects is: the nasty bathroom. mauve carpet. hideous drapes surrounding the tub. and let's not forget: the absolutely awful wall paper. every inch of that room is covered in not one, but at least 2 layers, maybe even 3 layers of the worst wall paper. ever. one day my mom said "that's it!" she then got a whole bunch of sharpies, and we all started writing all over the ugly walls. it's been a few months and there are so many things written all the walls. using the toilet is a new adventure. who needs a book to read when you can just stare at the walls for hours! it's a great idea, really. i personally love reading the bits of inspiration, silly inside jokes, pieces of encouragement on a hard day. there have been multiple times i've plopped down on the pot, or lounged in the tub, after a long hard day and something has caught my eye bringing some tears and reminding me that life is going to be okay.

i know i think way too much. i realized that a long time ago. as far back as i can even remember. but lately i've been thinking extra. life sure is hard, but it sure is wonderful. the word: contentment. it's just been flowing in and out of each and every one of my thoughts lately. what does it mean? where do we find it? why is it so rare? it's like gold. really. no one ever has it anymore. last night while i was getting ready for bed i spotted this written just to the side of the mirror, slightly above the toilet: "i will be a bit sad when this wall is gone. But, change is good, so enjoy the present for what it is. :)" i stared at it for a real long time. letting it just soak in. it's crossed my mind. my dad recently got a new and great job. eventually the bathroom will be made new. so will all those ideas and thoughts of what it's all about written by so many people i love so dearly. i've felt sad. i've toyed with the thought "maybe the walls aren't so bad..." then i look at them again. that's the thing though, very very few things in life last. everything gets old, tired, worn out. cars break down. clothes get holes. better opportunities come along. electronics break. pets die. okay that is kind of morbid, but they do. life is such a temporary thing. we do everything in our power to make it last. to cling onto things. i remember duct taping my last phone together. i don't know if that's because i was attached to it or if that's because i'm just stubborn and had no money, but still. one day my red hairs are going to turn gray. or white. or they'll fall out. my eye wrinkles right in the corners from all my years of laughing will multiply and deepen. my favorite boots will be long gone. all of the things that i protect and cherish will be gone. more than that i won't be working at my wonderful job. today i went on a walk with one of my dear friend. first "walk" i've been on since i broke my foot. it was so sunny and warm and there were still leaves for us to crunch. we talked about everything we felt like and just crunched leaves together. one day i won't get that anymore. so if there is one thing i could just scream, to all the world, at the top of my lungs, it would be to live. just live. experience everything there is to experience. feel the way it hurts when you fall rock climbing and break a bunch of the bones in your left foot. feel the way it feels to walk around for the first time in 2 months and get choked up every day when you get in and out of your bed without total exertion. take the time to notice how it feels when you hug someone you love. because someday you're going to take the time to notice how it feels when you can't hug them anymore. feel your fingers and nose go numb when you enjoy christmas time out side. because before you know it you're going to be feeling your sunburn after day one of the beach 2012. take time to notice little things in life. yesterday someone i love very much sent me the sweetest text message saying they had helped multiple people in wheel chairs at work. he told me "cailie i just want so run and jump around and just feel my legs and love them!" something along those lines. we started just thinking about legs. and how great they are. and we started cheering for them. and our arms too. they're pretty useful. take some time to notice the people who smile at you. the beautiful things in nature. isn't it great God loves us so much He didn't just give us life, He gave us an absolutely beautiful place to live it in. Yeah, we deal with a lot of crap. there are lots of sad things happening. life is hard. But it's only so we can appreciate the good. really. and boy, oh boy is there a lot of good.

the one with: angry eyes, drive-thru danger, and fancy japanese pajamas.

normally when i get fed up with life i run. or rock climb. but seeing as how life has hit a particular low, creating a situation where i can't do either of those things, i am turning to the only other thing i know that will help.

i've come up with all of the excuses and reasons in the world for which i'm not qualified to share my true thoughts and feelings. i've played around a little with this whole writing thing, but never really given it all. there's something about exposing it all that makes it real enough; raw enough to be something worth reading. i don't feel like my life, myself, or my thoughts are anything extraordinary. but in my mind the experience of life itself is something extraordinary. to have a body with so many intricate functions that work so exactly, separately and together, to create "life" is extraordinary. technology, all of our conveniences, everything that works with our minds and bodies and add up to life....that is extraordinary. so why the heck not give it all and share it all? i mean...within some kind of reason. i don't want to be murdered or terminated or anything like that. so, here we go...

i am a secretary. sometimes i like to be fancy and call myself an administrative assistant. makes it sound like more of a "real job." i guess i'm also an office manager as well. found that out yesterday. its all the same thing though. imagine pam from "the office." i've even got the red hair. i like to think i dress better, but i don't have a jim. guess we just can't have it all. so there are these 4 lawyers who share the building with my company. i don't actually work for the lawyers, but i like to think we're buddies, and ultimately i alert them when their clients are waiting. having done this for a few months now, i've decided that all red-necks have a lawyer. and so do all crazy people. and most of the time you get both of those things all in one scary little package. today this couple came in. leaned on the desk that says "DO NOT LEAN ON THIS DESK" and let me know they needed to talk to their lawyer. the problem is i didn't register that for a minute because i was too busy being traumatized by the bra-less woman with a very see through shirt on, the man with missing teeth, not tooth, teeth, and the strange smells coming from both of them. oh man alive. i can understand that when you're dumb and you don't take care of your teeth they fall out. and they also don't grow back. and it's a crying shame but that's life. but, what is with women thinking it's acceptable to run around bra-less? news flash: it's not. no one wants to see your big saggy boobs hanging down to your belly button in a shirt that has been worn so thin you might as well not wear anything. bra's aren't expensive! please. this is a plea to all women, everywhere: WEAR A BRA!!! for the sake of all eye-balls and souls. wear a bra. my family refers to naked boobs as "angry eyeballs." all angry eyeballs should be kept in their safe little homes. i don't care if your homes are polka dotted or nude. i don't care if your homes are so big i could fit my head inside. i don't even care, just put them away. those angry eye-balls made my eyes go extra big and i instantly moved on to the next duty of my day: the "get everyone in the office their lunch" duty.

i will admit i am a lazy individual. i love drive-thrus. wait, back-up. i have a love/hate relationship with drive-thrus. i hate yelling into the speaker. it makes me feel so awkward. especially when other people are in the car, and ESPECIALLY when english is not the first language, or a language at all, for the person on the other end. but i love avoiding the hassle of parking, walking in, collecting food, walking back out, backing out of a parking lot, etc. well today i'm like sweeet!!! drive-thru lunch order. having escaped two extra angry eyeballs i was feeling relieved. i order the sandwiches. wait patiently as they are made. pay for them. the man hands them to me. i look away from the drive-thru window for a split second to set the bags down on the passenger seat. instantly glance back because THE DRIVE-THRU EMPLOYEES ARM HAS GOTTEN STUCK IN THE LITTLE WINDOW. eye-balls almost pop out for the second time in an hour and hysteria begins. i couldn't even help it. first his arm is stuck. with assistance he gets it out. and then he's still screaming and holding it. and i'm in full fledge hysterical laughter in my car. he shoots me an angry look and i drive up just far enough to finish my laughter. have you ever seen such a thing?! it was so funny! i couldn't even stand it.

fortunately when i got back to the office, mrs. angry eyes and her semi-toothless sidekick were gone. unfortunately i didn't have the receipt. and i was too ashamed of my total immaturity in the moment of a drive-thru emergency to go back and get it.

several hours later i arrive home. enjoying some buttermilk waffles and reading and who strolls in the room? quincy. the greatest 7 year old alive. she's wearing these silky pajamas that button up the front, bananas in pajamas style. and as she struts in, she stops right in front of me and with all the pride her 7 year old self can muster up she says "these are my japanese pajamas....they're fancy...oh and by the way...if you want to find your special dessert you have to solve this riddle: i'm in the place where you sleep and i help you wake up in the morning...see ya!" and she strolls away in her "fancy, japanese pajamas."

bet you can't guess where i found a pink sweetart that says "jump for me"

who the crap puts that on a sweetart?! i thought sweetarts have "cutesy" phrases. jump for me?! what is happening to valentine's day! what is happening to this world!

next concern: valentine's day was a long time ago. is this from quincy's "rat stash" or "hobo sack of trash?" yes those are real things in her life. and thus mine.

morals of the story: 1-please wear a bra. or a bro. man boobs terrify me less though so if i have to pick one i pick bras, but both would be nice. 2-drive-thru danger is real. but if your lucky enough you'll experience it from the other side of the window. 3- there's someone in fancy, japanese pajamas out there leaving very old candy with sketchy messages on alarm clocks as a bed-time snack...how could life ever get better than that?

take it or leave it.

i like Polaroid pictures.

and i like to drink my soda from a can.
i like to drive with my windows down.
mostly because i like it when the wind plays with my hair.
i like messy hair.
i like peter pan.
i like vintage things.
sometimes i have to spit when i run.
sometimes i have to spit a lot when i run.
and i sweat a lot too.
i get morning breath.
and i have body odor.
yet i'm a classically trained pianist.
and i'm well read in classic literature.
i know how to walk in heels.
i can even do it naturally and with good posture.
and i clean up alright.
i know how to use proper english.
in fact i always do.
i have a problem of laughing at all the times that i shouldn't.
so naturally i laugh at all the times i should.
i laugh at immature things.
i like sharing stories that are real.
even the ones that speak of bodily functions.
i feel like they happen and should not be hidden.
i don't think that makes me rude.
i know where to stop.
i cry when i hurt.
i cry when i laugh.
the more i live the more the two are beginning to tie.
i like to call that success.
i can't make decisions.
yet i know what i like.
i have a temper.
i'm the meanest softie there is.
i blame my red hair.
yes i've got a big flamin' ponytail.
i've got the freckles to match.
i always say sorry even if it takes me a minute.
i grew up polite.
i always say please and thank you.
i know how to have table manners.
it's just my clumsiness that gets in the way.
i like fresh vegetables.
i like to read.
i like my job(s).
i like chalky, callused hands.
i don't mind scabs and bruises.
i like proof that i'm alive.
i like it when my cat bites my toes to wake me up.
and i don't mind her hairs.
i don't even mind it when she steals a taste of my ice cream bar.
i like it when things are clean.
but i don't like wasting time.
i like flowers.
i don't mind that they die.
i like the way they make me love them while their here,
because i know they'll be gone.
thus, i like contentment.
i like to sleep.
but i don't like missing out on life.
i like spontaneity.
yet i like consistency.
i like the idea of finding the child of the two.
i day dream of traveling; amongst other things.
i like words.
i like imperfection.
and most of all i like the people who can see past the "im."