nothing is going your way. it's like one crummy day after the next after the next. the bag of dirt days just keep on coming and coming. and each time you get back up,
you just get pushed down again.
i've been living those days. i've lived them before and i've gotten through them. it's just a different kind of dirt consuming me each time. and with each bag of dirt phase i find new obstacles. obstacles that i question i will ever be able to overcome.
it was in the midst of all the dirt, full of worms and too many minerals, probably some cow feces too that i found myself visiting my friend. the friend who i have always considered the dearest. during this visit we start watching funny youtube videos. because that's what you do when you're a nerd. you watch nerd videos on youtube and you laugh till you almost pee your pants. (and sometimes you even pee a little.) all of the sudden he shouts out "you've gotta watch this video! it's about a cat lady!" i immediately know i've seen it already. and i immediately start giving myself an internal pep talk so i won't turn into a baby partway through the video because what normally wouldn't phase me is enough to bring up instant tears right now. it's too much exposure to all the worms in this dirt. inside my head i'm thinking "self. it's okay. you will not die alone with your cat(s). you are not a failure. it doesn't matter that you haven't showered for way too long and you're sitting here in a beanie and your grubbiest sweats and the person who is supposed to love you the most is making you watch videos about crazy girls who love cats too much because it reminds him of YOU. it's okay self...it's okay..." so we get through the video. i pretend i think it's funny. cause it kind of is. when you're intoxicated from either substance or lack of sleep. maybe it's semi funny if you're in the best mood of your life. maybe. then he looks at me and says "i've been thinking you should sign up for an eharmony account! it might be really great for you! you could find someone who loves cats just like you!!!" that's it. that hit just the right spot. or should i say wrong spot. i pretend to be mildly amused. really i was dying inside just a little. really? at 23 years old i have sunken to that? so i've dropped out of college. so i work way too much. so i'm single. so i like cats. and other animals too. so sue me!
needless to say, i went home, curled up with my cat, shed a tear or two, and watched an episode of one of my nerd shows. a day or so goes by of this frustration. just more dirt and more worms. and just enough sighs to get by.
the next morning i wake up. i'm perfectly sore from my first run in way too long. that sore when it's not so excrutiating you can't even move, but when you first wake up you can feel it as you begin to stretch out. "oh yeah....i did my body some good yesterday. i will still be able to function today!...hopefully..." and as i stretch i begin to think. ENOUGH DIRT! i am tired of all of this. of all these feelings of failure. of not being content. or happy. of cat comments. eharmony suggestions. of all of it. I AM IN CHARGE HERE. and so i get out of my bed feeling renewed. nothing is going to stop me....
and then i get up and i step in poop.
something has recently pooped on my floor and i say recent because it smells and feels nice and fresh and it's squished ALL over my foot. as it all sinks in my eyes start to fill with tears. my lip quivers for a second. this is the point where normally i would just slump to the ground with my back against the closest wall and my poop covered foot just sitting there and then i would sob. but something clicks in my crazy little brain. nothing is going to stop me. i've been giving myself these mini pep talks for weeks now. constantly reminding myself that it will be okay. that i can accomplish anything if i want it badly enough. and in this moment, my eyes still full of tears, my hair in a fuzzy asian bun, nastiest sweats, no bra, full fledged morning time scary, feeling more vulnerable than ever, and with my foot covered in something's poop all the rage of the world feels my tiny being and i yell "IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN A TURD TO STOP ME!!!!" i was even shaking my fist in the air. all animals and humans within view/ear shot were probably scared for their lives. i would've been. i've seen my reflection in the morning when i'm not feeling all kinds of fury and determination like i've never felt before and i was afraid.
nothing will stop me.
i've been pushed down one too many times. i've been stopped. dumped. rejected i've let myself feel inferior time and again. and this time i've had enough. i'm ready to take charge. no more bags of dirt. okay, so i totally anticipate that every so often i will have a bag of dirt day. but no more bag of dirt phases. no more. not again. and no more worms and unwanted minerals and things that keep me down in all this dirt. no more. it's time for something new. something better. something less dirty. (get it? ha.)
this awkward little nerd is ready. and i've got an army of cats to back me up....i sure hope the world is ready for us.
by the way, both my foot and the carpet were sanitized. for anyone who reads this and then comes to my house: you don't have to be afraid to take off your shoes. i also have most definitely NOT set up any online dating accounts. nor will i ever. no matter what anyone says.
and one last thing: some days you just need to wear a fishtail braid. it's good for your soul.
ce♥
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