autumn time ramblings.

carson always knows just the things to tell me. on monday he emailed me and told me:

 "don't just survive...thrive!"

lately i've felt like a stranger in my very own life. 
i crave familiarity, consistency, a sense of belonging. 
i don't even feel like me and i don't know where to find myself again.
 i have pieces and i get glimpses, but i don't know how to keep them
 and patch them back together. i'm in this strange limbo
 i can't seem to pull myself out of. a place 
where i long for the absence of the sting of tears. they come too frequently
 and at all the wrong times. the same place where i grasp to
 those tender things so close to my heart. so deeply rooted 
to lose them might shatter my entire being; 
finish off the total existence of my fragile soul. 
i don't know how to talk or be or move or think. 
familiar things feel funny, and unfamiliarity feels unbearable.
 the chaos of too many rushed goodbyes and early hellos
 has left me exhausted at best. early mornings and awkward smiles. 
too many situations where i leave wanting 
to scream and shout what i'm all about. 
if only all these strangers, all these 
familiar-faced, no-named, passers-by 
in this unfamiliar world could peer into my little broken soul.
 if only they could see my spunk. my worn out sass. 
that quick wit that can charm the world 
one laugh at a time. those twinkling eyes with an honest surprise
 and that ferocious mane of wild red hair. 
unstoppable ambition, contagious charisma, a hunger for life 
with a dash of adventure. they'd see it all
 despite it being in shambles. they'd see what was,
 what can be, and gently they'd help me nurture it back 
to strength. after so much time 
of simply surviving i'll begin to start thriving. 

only where to begin? 

i guess i'll start here. 

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