carson always knows just the things to tell me. on monday he emailed me and told me:
"don't just survive...thrive!"
lately i've felt like a stranger in my very own life.
i crave familiarity, consistency, a sense of belonging.
i don't even feel like me and i don't know where to find myself again.
i have pieces and i get glimpses, but i don't know how to keep them
and patch them back together. i'm in this strange limbo
i can't seem to pull myself out of. a place
where i long for the absence of the sting of tears. they come too frequently
and at all the wrong times. the same place where i grasp to
those tender things so close to my heart. so deeply rooted
to lose them might shatter my entire being;
finish off the total existence of my fragile soul.
i don't know how to talk or be or move or think.
familiar things feel funny, and unfamiliarity feels unbearable.
the chaos of too many rushed goodbyes and early hellos
has left me exhausted at best. early mornings and awkward smiles.
too many situations where i leave wanting
to scream and shout what i'm all about.
if only all these strangers, all these
familiar-faced, no-named, passers-by
in this unfamiliar world could peer into my little broken soul.
if only they could see my spunk. my worn out sass.
that quick wit that can charm the world
one laugh at a time. those twinkling eyes with an honest surprise
and that ferocious mane of wild red hair.
unstoppable ambition, contagious charisma, a hunger for life
with a dash of adventure. they'd see it all
despite it being in shambles. they'd see what was,
what can be, and gently they'd help me nurture it back
to strength. after so much time
of simply surviving i'll begin to start thriving.
only where to begin?
i guess i'll start here.