"...it's all up here..."

so many things going through my head. i feel like my brain is so jam packed with ideas and thoughts and emotions and feelings and desires and wishes and understandings and questions...and the list could just keep on going. on and on and on. it's no wonder...i, cailie, who used to sleep like a rock, instantly, every night without fail, is having such a hard time sleeping these days. maybe i'll try to get a few of them out. they want to be in the form of poetry. they want to come out in a song. but they just aren't quite ready i guess. so here they are for now.

grocery shopping yesterday i ran into a girl...whom i met though someone...someone who used to be such a good friend. he pulled me though some crappy times and taught me many things. makes me sad we lost touch like we did. tonight i attempted to talk to him. i told him i missed our friendship. he simply said "oh...so how's life?" for the second time. i had already said doing well...same old...and proceeded to tell him i missed him. ignored. like that. bam. sucks, eh? especially knowing that there's nothing i can do. what do i take from it: don't let the people you love go.

storey got a bloody nose yesterday. not a good sign. i've really gained an appreciation for what i have over the last week. i've had several good cries. how often do i take what i have for granted? too often. how often do i do the important thing? love the ones who love me most? give my time to the people who deserve it most? not nearly often enough. that is the number one thing i am changing right now.


that is why i went to the byu/utah state game with my dad. friday night. conference weekend...so really the only day to do anything awesome. loads of places i could be. i chose to be with him. initially it was because: when his little head popped in my room and said "i've got to tickets to the game on friday...and utah state is playing! our teams! what do you say?" and he was so stoked you could just see the enthusiasm squeeking though his smiling eyes and leaking out his hopeful grin. i couldn't say no. and then as i walked a hundred miles to the stadium, getting dirty looks and comments for the big A written on my back, snuck a j-dawg in my pocket, joked around while eating our favorite game food: nibs+rootbeer, learned how football actually works (and i really like watching it now...a lot) sang the byu song together, took some pictures..even some with good old pete, talked about random things and took power naps till traffic died down...that...that right there...will stay with me forever. an average night of mediocre friends and so/so entertainment that always seems to be more than it ever really is and only disappoint me in the end..that would be forgotten. and those are things we can never change. they must be thought out and then followed through from the beginning. "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change..."


i love the zoo. so much.

i loved watching quincy sliding down the slide at the zoo 100 times in a row even more.

i like having a best friend who will drop everything to go to the zoo with me and quincy. who can make me laugh all the freaking time. who quotes every funny movie till you want to kill him. who will even wake you up at the buttcrack of dawn quoting the redbull scene from yes man. who is there to give you a hug when he needs to be. who makes everything...even the weird and awkward things in life that everyone is scared of...funny, who will eat 50 million little bags of pop rocks and freak out when he reads that carbon dioxide is listed in the ingredients..only to keep eating them, who can spend an entire drive from salt lake to lehi talking to you about his gas mileage, who does many idiotic things like torching his parents lawn and smacking me in the face with wet underwear, and who will even argue with me every day, about the dumbest things and drive me absolutely crazy...but like i said...always keeps me laughing. and puts up with my mood swings, my own stupid choices and rude behaviors. i sure do love the kid. and appreciate him more than i often times show.


speaking of best friends. i miss josh so dang much. if a genie popped up and gave me a wish right now i would probably wish to be able to hug him and talk to him for a couple hours. or a million dollars. either way...i still miss josh so much i feel like i could cry.


i'm tired of growing up. everyone getting married. moving far away. never having time. missing so many people and not being able to do anything about it.

i'm learning to love this phase of life...the mystery of not knowing what is going to happen next. not in my nature to love that. but i know i'll miss it someday. so i'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

it feel so good to love what i do.

it also feels good to be done with school. done with boards. to know a job is at my fingertips as soon as i get my butt out there and grab it. by the way my butt will be out there bright and early monday morning because i can't take this laziness anymore....and i'll be grabbing it with my fingers...not my behind...just to clarify.

here's what doesn't feel good: i'm not what he wants. and he's not what i want. and she's not what he wants. and it's all just a big fat circle of rejection and insecurity.

but that's why makes love so beautiful. it's a dang miracle that it ever works out in the first place.

for some reason i'm loving the coming winter. for the first time ever. what could this mean?

haiku of the day:

Life comes, and life goes.
What matters will always stay
through the winds of change.


that's it for now.