cause that's my skin....that's my skin....that's my skin...

i've gotta get some of these words out of my soul before i explode.

i've been thinking a lot about life.

i do that a lot. but it's times like these that make me think even more than usual.

i've spent so many years trying to become what i like.

i've always wanted: curly hair. smaller hips. thinner thighs. bigger lips. darker eyes. more proportionate teeth. i've wanted to be a musician. i've wanted a voice to match the music in my heart. i've wanted to write music that will stop people dead in their tracks. i've tried to be charming and poised. to have flawless, tan skin. to dress just the right way. to like certain shows. and read certain books. i've attempted to be successful. to be the student. the hair stylist. the bum. okay so i never wanted that one but i sure tried it out. i've always wished i could grow just a little more. 4'11" isn't bad but 5'4" would be ideal. i've wished i could be healthy and eat the way i'm supposed to without brainwashing myself into it. to be able to dance. to not be the only female on the planet that still can't do a cartwheel. to not be so athletically challenged. i've spent hours dying and plucking and curling and waxing and running and reading and practicing and thinking...doing everything i could to become this image.

and then i snapped.

i lost it completely.

there were things that lead up to this melt down. different events i'd rather not get into. but last night i hit that end of the rope. i called my best friend and sobbed to her over the phone. i cried out my insecurities, my failures, my let downs. i let out all the hours of work that still left me empty. all of the people who have left me in the dust. i told her how, on top of this battle my life feels like it has fallen apart. how i've had to pick it up and start over and this is how the new start is turning out?

i don't know that i've ever been so lonely. with the exception of my family the only people who know my heart and understand what to do with it are: on a mission. on the other side of the world. ultimately too far away too much of the time. she comforts me. makes me laugh as tears and boogers are streaming down my face. she reminds me of the times in my life where i knew where i was going and who i was going with. as weird as it was it was so simple and natural...as it should be. that this is just a rough spot in the road. it'll smooth back out and get back to normal again.

then my sweet mom comes into my room and sees me crumpled against the wall. in the middle of a maze of boxes that are foreign but all my own. and she sits and cries with me for awhile. i will never forget all the times she has sat with me and let me just cry till i can't breath and i have two enormously swollen orbs for eyes. i'll never forget the times she's come in my room, crawled in my bed and just cried like my hurt is her own. because to a degree it is. that's what it means to be a mom. she picks up where cortni left off. she starts reminding me of who that person i've lost over the last couple of years is....and how she's going to make it in this crazy life.

i told you what i wanted to be. what i spent years trying to become. now i'll tell you what i am.

i have long stick straight hair. big hips and thick thighs. skinny lips that disappear over fat teeth when i laugh and clear gray eyes. though quite out of practice i'm a classically trained pianist. a wanna be on the uke. writing music has never been my think but i'm always singing my own tune through life. it isn't much to listen to but it matches me just fine. and i do a sick louis armstrong impression when my voice is tired. i'm awkward and nerdy. and while some girls pulled the papers out of the jar in heaven that said: sophisticated, sexy, poised, polite, smart, charming...i grabbed quirky. my first thought was probably "phew...glad i got the q AND the u...it's hard to play the q on the scrabble board without its best friend u...plus q is ten points!" then i came flying down to planet earth like that and i've been trying to figure out what to do with those letters since. but i still know that word could ultimately get me 66 points in scrabble, possibly more. so it can't be all that bad. my skin will always be pasty and freckled. my clothes will always be comfortably weird. someone recently told me i dress in a "bohemian" style. bohemian rhapsody is hands down my favorite queen song so i'm okay with that. i will always sit around watching the food network for hours thinking about how nice it would be to be able to make something like that and then i'll always shut of the tv and never do it. i will always love weird literature and laugh myself sick reading books written for children. i won't stop painting in my underwear till 3 am. and my art will forever be abstract because that is how my brain will always think. and i'll never learn to draw. i will start shrinking before i'll ever grow again. part of me will always be a bum. i'll always love animals, overly carbonated soda and anything coated in sugar and grease too much. the things i do best will never be showy....i won't have dozens of people to watch, to listen, fans to cheer. i won't have exhibits in my honor. i won't produce my own music. nor will i ever be able to throw or catch a ball. i will always avoid dancing like the plague for the sake of others as much as my own. but i know that words will forever come to the same way as breathing. i mold them in my sleep. while i play "good guys and bad guys" with my 4 year old cousin. while i exercise, drive, talk and work. while i sit here in my harry potter boxers, a t-shirt from my "ex boyfriend t-shirt collection" that is an awful shade of green, with poofy sleeves and that reads "i heart stockholm" a souvenir from the time in my life when i thought i was in love with someone who got to visit sweden, my hair piled up into the infamous asian bun, glasses with some hair spray and smudges from entertaining the 4 year old all morning, bad breath, no makeup, and my sassy little cat sitting on my lap getting ready to pounce on my flying fingers i know that this is my calling in life. now that i've got a grip on what i'm cut out to be....lets see what i can do with it.