perfectly lonely.

hey life,
it's me, cailie. again. well..you really blew it today. that's all i've got to say. kinda knocked the wind out of me. i guess it's only fair. i blow it most days. but that's how we teach each other, right? thank you so much for these things on this cold winter day:

the greatest, npr loving dad in the world.
an intuition that prepared my heart in plenty of time.
john mayer...he always makes it better.
amazing friends.
swedish soda and good memories on a day i was really going to need it.
a new year in three days....enough time to get a head start on my new start.
a single status before i accidentally used my first ever new year's kiss on the wrong boy.
peace.
a determination that i don't think i've ever felt before.
lotion for my bleach burned fingers.
a beautiful quilt for my shivering little body.
laugh-crying. the best feeling on the planet.
the way i love to work out like a mad woman rather than stuff my face when i'm upset.
garf.

sometimes we love each other. sometimes we loathe each other. right now i would normally be hating you. but i actually just respect and appreciate you a lot. sometimes you hurt me. sometimes you make me curl up in my bed and sob so hard my head hurts. other times you make me punch my head yzma style and then i yell and punch my pillow. sometimes you make me cry because i feel bad. other times you make me cry because i'm hurting for someone else. you do a lot of things that i don't quite understand yet. but you do it because i need to be stronger. i need to get my priorities straight again. i need to be me. i haven't really been me for awhile. i feel like i just woke up from a dream and i'm looking around thinking "wow...that was cool. but i'm glad i'm here in MY bed, waking up to MY life again." yeah you're leaving me kind of lonely and lost. but it's perfect and i'm actually loving it and a little excited. so weird. maybe i'm getting it just a little? growing up a tiny bit? lets be honest...you're a little out of whack life...but i wouldn't trade you for anything.
love always,
cailie,